OUCH...the controlling spouse really describes ME. I was controlling in the most ridiculous ways. Just this last week I finally realized that H sees me as nothing but someone to escape from , hide from, lie to, feels trapped, controlled, not wanted, always disappointing.
You're right, it comes from insecurity, fear, anger, which leads to mistrust. Of course, the saying, what you focus on expands is right....he never lied to me until I started to control and demand. How sad.
I realized that this is NOT the person I was or W that I wanted to be. Still doesn't make the past behaviors OK, I still regret it deeply and am paying for it now. BUT, as you mention here, it's the controlling spouse that has to detach from those behaviors, the insecurities and fear, so the other spouse does not completely withdraw from the marriage to a point of no return...while you can still remember the person you originally married.
I hated who I became, was ashamed of her, was not me. It was so easy to snap out of it. People make mistakes and change, I guess...forgiving myself is the hardest part, it's like waking up from a dream and looking back at the movie of your life and this other person you became. Ugh.
It really hits home when you read things that say these behaviors are a form of abuse...emotional abuse. That is HARD to read and to digest, but it's true. I finally was able to utter those words to H....I was ashamed but felt good to admit it. It feels human.
Now, it's gonna take a LOT of time, consistent, persistent actions that are NOT controlling, handling a situation where I would have exercised control in a totally different way, of NOT slipping, AT ALL. To the controlled person, you start to think that it won't ever change--like SE...you assume that your H will always be that way to an extent. So he has to work EXTRA hard to undo that. Good lesson for me, because it may be part of why H does not want to committ fully..he's scared and has every right to be.
You're right, the controlling spouse needs to see this for themselves. Needs to see what they are in YOUR eyes and how ugly the picture is...that you add NO value, comfort, love to their life, only fear, resentment and anxiety. I guess it's easy to snap out of it after that.
Funny, it's amazing the results you reap with letting go of the controlling persona. Just the last few days with H have been more relaxed and more rewarding than the months past when I thought I was "working hard."
