I installed that software you told me about. I did it because I thought for sure there would be nothing to see and I could check "porn" off my checklist of things he's doing besides me.
I checked it this morning while he was in the shower. He had spent well over 3 hours last night and an hour this morning, before I got up, on porn sites. I saw the sites he searched for, sites he typed in (because he frequents?), and things that make me sick to think about. I have not found anything that suggests he was chatting or communticating with anyone, yet. But at this point I would not be surprised if it didn't pop up somewhere.
I tell ya, it was really hard to keep my cool this morning and get out of the house with out freaking out on him.
I don't know what to do. I feel numb. How could he be doing this to me? I am lying in bed, alone and crying, becuase I want him next to me and he stays up to look at porn? I don't know how to even deal with this. I don't want to confront him right away because I want more evidence to bust him with.
And then there is this part of me that feels guilty for spying on him. Why do I feel guilty and scared to confront him on this? I am afraid that he's going to get mad at me for snooping. I am so stupid for falling for his, "I just don't have a real desire or need for sex" excuses. What a total lie.
This sucks GEL...it hurts bad. I don't even know if I can look at him the same again. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't feel very much love for him at this moment...this is going to be hard to work past. Gel, I dont' know how you can be so strong.
The plan that I have in my head is that I am going to let him go thru the weekend. I want to see how much of this is going on. I want to get more evidence so he can't say it was a once and done thing.
More later, Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
