So after two sessions with the MC, by myself (no H), I was brave enough to confront H and "be real" and honest about where I at in out R. I told H it comes down this:
"I love you more than anything in the world, I want to grow old with you. I want to have dreams for our future. I want to have an intimate relationship with you, but more importantly I want you to want that with me and be able to show it. If you want that too, we have to work harder at our relationship. If you don’t want these things, let’s just get it out in the open."
His response was something like this:
He just doesn't feel a strong sexual need and he has to work on it not only for me, becuase he does want to be with me forever, but also for himself otherwise he will loose everything that is important to him. He also says that there's nothing about me that I need to change, it's him that has to change. He thinks I am sexy.. and has from the day he first met me.
So, it's not me, it's him. It is REALLY hard to just sit back and let him be in control of this whole situation. I am thinking that I need to continue my role as the initiator and give him the opportunity to say yes, and go thru with it and be more "involved in the act". I think that if I back off totally, and wait for him to come around it may be too much for him tackle right away. I can't expect him to all of a sudden have a desire and initiate, right? Baby steps...
Am I being too naive about the whole, "it's not you, it's me" thing? There is something that sits just a little North of un-easy with me...
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
I am not familiar enough with your sitch but I always think that "It's not you, it's me" really means something like, "It's a little bit you but mostly me." Know what I mean? That is why the book Passionate Marriage talks so much about "holding on to yourself" in the midst of R conflict. It is always somewhat about each party.
Glad your H is making noises about wanting to change. What does that mean to him exactly? I have gone many rounds of that with my H. I dont' think it is that my H purposely didn't step up to the plate but he was placating me with no actual plan for change AND a million excuses why change is impossible.
I hate to be a cynic here....but right now I am. I sat in your shoes for 2 + years. I was too patient, I was too forgiving (my C just told me she believes I've been way too patient...I fear you run that same risk). I did EXACTLY what you are talking about....and 2+ years later I've found out my H has been having his needs met all along on the internet.
I heard the SAME things you are hearing from your H from my H. "It's not you, it's me."...."I don't think about sex", "I have to step up or I'm going to lose everything" blah, blah, blah....which changed to "I don't think about it much". Each time he'd do something tiny to appease me and show me he was trying. Sad fact is...he wasn't trying and was doing what it took for him to actually avoid true "intimacy" with me by getting his needs met online.
I really urge you to look deeper into your H's activities. If for no other reason but to avoid doing what I did for 2+ years....only to find out I'd been wasting my time. I now know I'm dealing with a COMPLETELY different problem than what I'd been working on.
It's a very tough thing to delve into these things, it's uncomfortable as he!! to check up on someone you love, someone you believe you can trust. I'm telling you these things out of hind-sight now. Check, make sure he's not doing something else. If nothing else you can come back and say GEL you were wrong....and have that peace of mind.
Yes I confronted him about it that day....we've been talking ever since. I've posted an update on my thread just today about it. Don't want to hijack this one accidentally.
I hear you loud and clear. When you originally posted your findings, I felt completely sick to my stomach. First, because I really hurt for what you were dealing with. And second, because I was scared to death that I could be dealing with the very same thing. The past couple days I have been contemplating installing this key stroke tracker you mentioned. I am a little worried 'cause H is more computer savvy than I and I am afraid he will see that I have installed it. I need to find out more how it works.
Thank you, as always, for your input. Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like I did. The free download is at www.mykeylogger.com. It's easy to use, and completely hidden...just make sure you pick a directory to install it to that he's not generally in. Other than that...it doesn't show up in the program files, and is completely hidden while running.
It is also password protected for you to use only. Even if my H found it...he wouldn't know my password to get in it.
Thank you for the book suggestion, I will check it out. As far as what he's doing to "work on it". I don't know. I haven't asked and he hasn't offered to say what his problem is or what he's doing to "fix" it. He won't talk to me and he won't talk to a MC. We have been thru rounds of this too...I actually read one of my posts from July and I couldn't believe that I am still putting up with this. Anyway, I am afraid to keep pushing and asking, and trying to dig deeper. In the past, the more I push the more he pulls away. I know this answer of his, (this week) is meant to placate me. So that I leave him alone for awhile. The truth of the matter is that I am not ready to go head to head on this yet. I have some strong feelings about divorce and being alone. I have to be ready to act on my threats of "i'm leaving"...be really ready to follow thru if it comes to that.
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
and has from the day he first met me.
