Feeling GREAT today! Actually, this is the best I've felt through the whole process...hope it lasts long. Yesterday, I think a switch went off in my mind.
I had a great day at work, distracted, but good. I saw a dear friend and spent time laughing and talking. Talked with family and made plans for my trip. I guess it was like waking up from a dream to other people in your life and what you mean to them. I am valuable, funny, smart, caring and WANTED. Funny, I can see what H must have felt as well...all those times he felt rejected by my behavior. I felt strong, clear and finally felt I could shake off this horrible person that is insecure, panicked, mean, scared that I have been in our M. It's an unhealthy connection to H, and that's not good. This sounds arrogant, but I felt above being a demanding, insecure, frightened W, above being consumed by this mess of a M and the prospect of another woman. Really, I was not jealous and did not care when H came home late and went back to work. I have not demanded anything of him. I don't want anything that's not meant to be mine and anything I have to demand. Whatever will be will be. I'm just being ME and I know it knocks the hell out of anything/anyone else. So there.
So, the day gets weirder....the morning was great. I was in a great mood (with or without H). He was cheery too, really LOOKED at me and complimented me getting dressed and offered his advice (I flunk in fashion). I brushed it off and went off to have a fab day at work. That night, he called PROMPTLY at 6:30pm. I debated to answer the phone and did (I'm being ME, not playing hard to get). For the first time in months, he talked for more than 30 seconds of obligatory "when I'll be home and what I'm doing at work" (it was a lie anyway) call. Also unusual, he immediately asked about my day (I had a day-trip for work that I was excited about)--he remembered and cared to ask. We laughed, cracked jokes, shared the day, and I actually ended the conversation. He was caught a little off guard. He came home and was going to go to town for a haircut, and asked if I would come, and I said no. I was tired and went to bed early (seeing that I had 4 hrs sleep in the last 48 hellish hours). He came home, no haircut (closed), woke me up and said he had a gift for me...an iPod Nano with gear??!! Frankly, I was not thrilled, as it's an unusually nice gift for this time in our R...I felt uneasy about it. He had mentioned wanting to buy that for me weeks ago, but I thought nothing of it. He said it would be great for my workouts. I was so tired and a little delerious that I went right back to bed, and he said he had to go back to work for another hour (I was not wracked with tension as to what he was really doing--I did not care) and I went to bed. He came back home late and was a little bummed that I had not opened the gift and started playing with it. He engaged me about my day, we laughed and talked, all easy conversation. I gave a HUGE thank you for the gift...and for the second time in 5 months, he said ILY FIRST. WHAT??!! I said it back without blinking.
This morning, he was cheery, woke me up, dropped me off at the gym. He started to open the gift, and slyly asked if I was going to return it (actually, I thought about it, but did not want to hurt his feelings)...and I said NO. He is still dropping hints at me not getting too excited about the gift...I thanked him LOTS...said it was too much and he didn't have to do it. He was shy and said it was no big deal (is it because he got HER an iPod too, and now feels guilty?? I know he DID purchase her the cord for it). I played it cool this morning...he was being funny and I was cheery and comfortable as well.
Basically, I'm not TRYING. I'm just being ME. I like me, and if it's not good enough to fall back in love with, then I don't know what else to do. ME is not the OLD me either...I'm committed to being a better W and stick to the changes I made, but just not carrying the torch to making this work like I did before. He needs space and I need my dignity-frankly it's a HUGE burden off my back. I just want to have a good time each day. Frankly, I feel it's the most comfortable, cheery, conversational we've been in months.
I'm not reading much into it...but it's nice to not have tension, panic, always thinking of what I will say and how. Admittedly, there is a LOT to work through if this all works out...for now, I just want to lay it all down develop a healthy dynamic, if possible. No reason to attack issues if we're both still hurt, angry, mistrustful, not feeling in love.
