Thanks for the support. Yes, nothing much I can do. I walked around all day yesterday feeling hollow, horrible, like it was really the FIRST time I faced the reality of D. I also talked to C, who said 70% chance this won't work. Hmmm. Her advice was that I had to stop "trying" and just sit back, be me, take care of me, and still stay loving H. So, here are the facts and what I plan to stick to for the next month (I'm going on a 3-week trip that H and I were supposed to both go on, but we decided that it would be best if I went alone and he stayed--time alone).
Update: I'm doing pretty well. H came home last night, I had sent him an email saying that he was safe from R talk and talk of mess, since I know he feared that. I did ask if he needed space and wanted to separate, from his mention of being in love with being single and needing time for HIM. I wanted to do that for him...he said, "maybe we should...what do you think?" I am tired of guessing what he needs, C said he needs to figure things out for himself. I said "whatever you need" to which he asked we talk about it when home. At home, I asked if he wanted to talk, he said yes, but b/c he thought I wanted to, and I said no. We would go through our days giving our best, no expectations, enjoy time together as much as we could and we would know when we had to address things. He agreed, and was relieved, I think (HUGE 180 for me to put a stop to R talk). We had a nice night, and this morning I did my best to detach, give him space, be genuinly loving and kind and cheery. He was receptive...I laughed a lot and broke the ice that way. It helped. Really, it helped me b/c I really was happy, with ME. We talked of the weekend, my trip, financial stuff, etc, and it was weird.
The plan: 1) I am going to put the whole other girl thing out of my mind for now. It hurts too much, and it keeps me from my focus now, which is to get to a spot where I am calm. I KNOW that H did not sleep with her, but I don't know the extent of kissing, etc. Who cares. Done is done, he said his most honest feelings about it to me, and I thanked him for that (in an email) since it was HUGE to do that. He said he is not in love with her (C agreed). Deal with that later. Am I willing to live with it? Yes, I am. In all of this mess I got the answer to a deep question I guess I've always had with H....I think I could forgive him of anything. He would of me, I know, and has. That makes it clear that I don't need to get bent out of shape on details while I'm still emotional. I have other questions: can I take Hs new habit of casual lying? How do I trust?
2) Back off: No R talks, no past hurt/issues talks. no guilt trips (H was VERY sensitive to feeling like a failure, guilty on one hand, but mad that he was humiliated by my fury. He pointed out that he was patient with my misgivings, even when they caused him so much pain, so I know that what I do is really horrible, however "justified" and he requires a different approach. Sadness and calmness, no spite. He has a HORRIBLE trigger to how I react to things and my past behaviors. If it comes out in any way, he is really traumatized. I can understand.
3) Space to H: emotionally through no R talks, etc. Find ways to give space here and there. Seems he still needs to figure out what he wants, with the whole needing time for him and wanting to be single comments. So, I thought, what about being single can I do for him now? Space, no nagging, no expectations, etc.
4) No expectations, no snooping, no mistrust (well, expression of it), no demands to stop anything. I realize at this point, I asked again and again if there were anything going on and he lied, so my demands mean nothing. In fact, he stated that when I demandingly expect anything from him, he refuses to give it to me. So let it go. He stated that he knows what he needs to give to be committed to the M, he has tried a lot but not really put his whole self into it, so, he will only do so when he is ready. I can't do that for him. that is his decision to make. I have made the decision to stick with this until he can tell me that he is ready to committ, or that he does not want to.
4) Work on me: increase GAL, working out, work, out with friends, family contact, being happier, more like who I really am: confident, funny, outgoing, fun, committed. BUT, with a lot of the changes that I've made.
5) Stop all Love Busters and small efforts on the Emotional Needs for H. I won't go crazy here b/c I don't want to overwhelm him while he needs space. Just let him know that I care and still love him.
6) I just want this time to be nice, enjoyable for both of us, whatever happens. I want to be me. I realize that H still has a LOT of pain, anger, and horrible perceptions of me, mistrust that I can care for him and be nice. that is not who I am or want to be. I have spent too much time these last months making great changes, but the ones I did not make were to truly make H comfortable and safe from my anxiety, need for answers, expectations, pushing. I am backing off now, it's what he needs, I think. He will talk when he wants.
5) Trust in God. C said, reach in your gut and see what you feel. I did, and weirdly, yesterday afternoon, I had a wave of calm and hope, I have a feeling our stories are not yet through. Of course, I still have to prepare. I have known H for 14 years and this is the 3rd time we've gotten together. Each time, it seemed that we had a LONG time of not talking, or being apart, and we came back together, out of the blue. I never prayed that H would come back, only if it were meant to be. I ask the same now, and realize that much of this is really in God's hands (and I'm not a religious person). H has decisions he needs to make. I can only be me, detached, loving, respectful, caring, and happy to be with him at all. We both made HUGE mistakes...ones I wish I could take back now, more than anything. But, I can't. Will things change in Hs heart? Who knows. I can only do my best.
6) Be happy, enjoy life and me and time with H (however long that is). We are great friends, I have immense respect for him, and whatever time we have left together, I would like for it to be nice. I would like to know I did my best and was good to my dearest friend. I don't want to be a ball of emotions, up and down, to expect things, to always push the M healing. In our past relationships, when I gave H space, and we were apart, that was when he came back.
6) Questions: 1) What makes H stay now? (not hurt me, not want to be the one to end this, loves me...could he really be confused, or just waiting it out until I end it, or he can't take it anymore and ends it??). 2) Is his love really dead? When he says things like I am the only person he has ever deeply loved, the only one he will ever be married to, how deeply crazy he was for me, how important I still am to him, I am his best friend...and cries over the R still (maybe mourning??). 3) Has he left the M emotionally?
Fears: Of course, D. For lots of reasons. Maybe it stems out of regret, and that's a hard thing to live with. I miss a lot of things--I miss H and his love. I fear that when I leave for 3 weeks, it will give him the time to think that he does not want me, or finalize that. I have to go, and I feel that it's what's right in our cards, and i think H needs the space (C said it will be good). Another thing that fate seemed to have placed at us, and what will be will be.
OK, that's it! thanks for listening and I welcome your feedback. I am just trying to act out of my heart now, and out of wisdom.
