Well, never get too comfortable, right? Just when I thought things were going peachy, going great for my PMA, and thought I had a handle on things, I just had a pang that something was wrong. I made a big error and snooped...H gave me his email password this weekend (for something else) and I snooped last night. Found several emails to a female co-worker that indicated bad news. I'm gonna take this in several points, since I'm not coherent right now.
1) She is younger and works with H (not in same dept though).
2) Her emails were gushy, lots of ILYs, a V-day one that made reference to tickling and kissing. They BOTH used the term "cutie" to address each other. She refered herself as "girlfriend" in the note.
3) Hs email indicated that he was talking to a fun friend, called her a "friend" thanked her for caring, being a wonderful friend, and apologized for not calling her (she had written a pissy note that he had not called in a while)...hmmm, when I go to H with this complaint, he gets so MAD (but he used to get sad and try and I just got bitchier). He wrote in the end "luv ya so much!" which is not quite his romantic speak. He thanked her for being a wonderful friend. That he would let her know if he didn't want her in his life, that he invests a whole in her and she gets the very best that he can give and stated that he didn't contact his friends or parents much either...so he was giving his best.
3) I got MAD....did not think and went to his workplace. OK, here is where I go psycho and I should be kicked, but WTF, this is really absurd. He is not there, says he's on a "walk" He comes and meets me, we talked for 4 hours. He lied at first, again and again, denied everything. I finally coaxed it out of him, he lied about all the details until I pressed. He was mad that I kept the questions, felt humiliated, berated, controlled. All the usual stuff he hates about me.
4) Admitted to: No sex, kissed once, tickled once, all in car (not in homes or work), admitted he was "crazy" about her (explained this meant that he thought about her often and was excited to see her), said she brought him joy, happiness that was not in our R, the pain that was not in our R (mind you, when he had a previous FF, he said the same thing), said that she was fun to laugh with, hang with, that he loved her as a friend. Trusted her, she was nice. He said he liked the kiss, it was good. He said he thought about sex with her, and cannot admit that he would not have done anything (he was feeling guilty, so knew that denying this is stupid), admitted that he thought about going away for a weekend with her. Said he's not crazy about her anymore, it was fleeting, and nothing compared to what he felt for me. I was definately more important to him. He said he mostly saw her with others, admitted that he was at dinner with her and another friend when I called (not a walk). Admitted that he has lots of other friends (platonic) and mostly women I think (b/c we work with mostly women) and he admitted that he questioned himself, when he would stop these friendships (which I do not care if they are platonic) and devote himself to our R, wholeheartedly. So, it was good that he admitted that he had to give that up to really put for the love back in US. I asked why he would jeapordize work, and he said that he didn't think it was wrong, since nothing happened, all platonic, just affectionate (very odd for someone who is a workaholic and cares about work a lot), he honestly seemed stunned at the thought that this would look bad...he thought it was not all bad...I was just projecting onto a fantasy of him having an affair. Making him feel guilty for things he did not do. He said (after being questioned) that she initiated most of contact, kiss, tickling, etc. I trust him on this. I also trust him on the sex thing. I know H....when things go bad, he rolls with the ball that is tossed to him, but does not roll the ball himself. HER emails did not indicate sex at all, and he had months to do it, plenty of time, and he did not. Also, he did not book a weekend away with her (instead spent every one with me). He said he was feeling pained, lonely, in need of someone kind and understanding and fun. Just for laughs. He said they talked of nothing deep, usually went out for dinner after work or so (on his long nights at work), 1-2 times a week and did not really call otherwise (who knows that one, could be that he's lying to cover up). I asked this morning if he was in love with her, and he gave a huge huff and said no way. Just as a friend.
5) His feelings about it all: he felt VERY guilty, admitted he was ALL wrong. Also took the time to slam me on things I did to hurt him. Admitted that thinking about things I did to him (I was disrespectful, demanding, critical, etc) pained him so much he did not like to think about it. That made me scared b/c how can he heal? He said he just tried to forget it, he is past the anger. He was very ashamed, about the kiss, telling me he was crazy about her at a point, etc. That this had to happen. That he did this.
6) Odd: he really tried to lie about the depth of things (no ILY, no kiss), then came out with it. Honestly, when I questioned him, he looked like he was appeasing me, calming me down from thinking the worst, not for himself, but for the R. Kinda like "don't make it bad or it will break" Kinda funny coming from a guy who is mostly negative about our R making it. He said he wanted to protect me, maintain my innocence. After all this, he questioned why I wanted to be with him, said it was cool that I left him, and when I asked his feelings, he said he was still confused. I was surprised, b/c I thought he would say that he was out. But he still hung on. Why? B/c he loved me (what he said).
7) About me: Said that he could not care more for someone he just met as opposed to me. Said he loved me so much, and said it and meant it. Said that he thought he really tried (he did, but this just kinda sunk his efforts in a way), and he realized that it didn't seem like it. Said he still came home to me, still chose me. Said that he loved me, but sadly realized he was not IN LOVE with me (ugh, that line), wished that some days I was not home, lost the urge to be a husband and enthusiastic partner, want to be with me all the time happily, lost the urge to be a father...said that he saw friends who were pregnant and he instantly thought "I can't have kids with her, not the way things are..." Yeah, can't blame him for that one. Said he was in love with being single, that I did not have any competition from the woman, but from him.
I asked why the confusion. He said b/c he was no longer angry at me. And recently he saw that I was calm, strong, nice, patient and understanding. He felt that I actually wanted to be with him. Liked being with him, and said that he did not know that or feel that before. This all confused him...but he said he still didn't feel in love. Didn't know if he could. Tried to make himself, but could not. Thought it might be dead.
Several times I asked him to find his happiness, I will let go, he did not stand in my way, but he backed out. later I asked why, and he said that b/c he loved me, did not want to hurt me, and also b/c whenever he encountered me "wanting" something, he refused to give it (ie: I "wanted" him to leave me and he would not). He admitted that he saw a bad pattern in reacting to me in his old ways of withdrawing and turned off. Says sometimes he feels like lying when he is with me (saying he wants to be with me and he doesn't feel right). Feels that with this mess, things have gone too far. Does not want to live being mistrusted his whole life and does not want me to live mistrusting. Said he thought about me being happy with other men, and it made him happy, not mad, didn't mind it. Said that I deserved more.
8) My response: Well, initially, not nice. Demanding questions. Drilling. Overall, calm though. Then, I was nice. This morning and last night. I just spoke from the heart, just honest. What the hell do I have to lose now? I told him that it was sad, b/c when he said he was crazy about her, I wanted to get so mad, but I was sad b/c I knew that really, inside it all, he was still crazy about me too. I told him that I came there prepared to leave him, and really asked myself to do that, looked for clues (he said he was nice and made it easy for me to do so b/c he knew), but sadly, deep inside him, I saw that no matter how much emotion he lost for me, I know I still mattered most to him, he cared deeply for me, would never betray me sexually, that he loved me more than anyone else in the world, that he knew that I understood and cared for him most in the world and loved him deeply, and it saddened him. He nodded to all of this, thanked me for finally seeing this, and said he thought I was a wonderful person. He repeatedly said he tried so hard, planned a future for us in the middle of all this. We both agreed that it was so hard to just throw in the towel. That we both pushed each other so hard last night to leave the other and we didn't move (slept separately though). He said he just wanted things to go back to the beginning. He said he was so crazy about me then, that I could not understand how much he loved me and why he got married. He could forgive me of anything (at the time of M, he thought I had slept with a friend (LIE) but still married me--geez).
So, the official word is that he's still confused, but leaning WAY on the negative side. This morning, I apologized for being disrespectful, demanding and harsh when he shared his feelings and opened his heart. I said that I felt scared and insecure, and hurt and acted poorly. I hoped that he would open his heart again. I was calm, a little demanding in the beginning but calmed down a LOT....just said that I was hurt and kinda had a right to be. He also had a right to be mad at that. Then I went on to say that whatever happend to our M, we were together for just a short while or until death, that I wanted to stop this shamble of a M, for myself, be respectful, caring and kind. That;s all I want to remember for now. I told him I knew the man he was, that I trusted him, that I know that he gave me so much of his heart and I still occupied so much of it (In pain though), I trusted and believed in his love for me. I also said that I DID want him in my life...and that is not to pressure him, I am OK with D, but just so he knows that I always DID want him.
OK, I am rambling, this is too long, and I know it will bore so many. I don't know how I am feeling or what to do next. I ended on a really sweet note, very forgiving, understanding and calm. He cried a lot as he left for work, and said that he was sad, and guilty...feeling like so much of our old life was dead. Yes, it is....in many ways, thank goodness.
