Knock knock.
Whose there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan all the way from Otter Creek to Beaver Valley.
Looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for solutions outside myself, when the truth is I already have everything I need right here within myself.
At this point I do not know if Robin, the woman of my dreams, will ever want to heal our broken family in a way that makes sense to me. I do not know where any of this will lead, but I like the direction we are moving in.
I'll give you all some background information later. Right now I just want to sit with idea of how it feels to be here in this forum, thinking about building a brand new relationship with her piece by piece, versus focusing on being "done" with our old relationship in "Surviving the big D", or kicking ideas around in any of the other forums I have previously posted in.
Right now I need a clear cut direction for myself. I need a long term focus for myself and my broken family.
In the past three months since finding this site, I have started threads in Infidelity, Newcomers, Divorced But Not Done, Surviving, and who knows how many others. Good, helpful threads all. If only for helping me get to here.
Here is where I want to be. Here is where I am compelled to be. Here is where my heart is happy to continue, despite so much evidence and good advice to the contrary.
What I now want to be doing more than anything else, besides building a better me, is piecing my relationship with Robin back together. Building something new and true and solid and beautiful and honest and open and good and real, and with any luck, intimate and everlasting with the only woman I can ever truly love.
Still, I'm not 100% sure if this is the route I'm going to take. There seems a much easier course of action directly in front of me at the moment. A fulfilling life with someone else. Would be so easy to simply and finally let go for ever, never to look back...
But I like what Kahlil Gibran has to say about it:
"Think not you can direct the course of Love. For Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course."
For me its all about integrity.
"Piecing My Marriage Back Together."
Yes.
Piecing it back together.
Piece by piece putting this magnificent puzzle together myself no matter how little my one-time lover, the mother of my children, is able to see or contribute at the moment.
I love her. And I know she loves me even though she still says she doesn't want me. Has been saying it for years. But the truth is I wouldn't have wanted me the way I was either. And you should have seen how she was dressed for dinner with me last night. Wow.
God knows what she's done to me. But my love for her continues growing. Even though right now she refuses to see any further down the road than friendship.
I'm okay with that. I get it now.
Now I need to be more direct, stable, consistent and self-sufficient.
Today I am thinking I will win this woman's hand in marriage, or at the very least, commit to another four years of standing up for my beliefs. By that time, even if she and I are not living together for good, then our youngest child will have finished High School, and then I could live happily ever after without her, knowing I had paid the karma cop in full.
By that time I will have rebuilt my fortune and will be ready to start a new family with someone else, if I can't have the family and quality of life I would rather have with her.
Today I am simply thinking. Feeling. Testing the waters after she and I had dinner last night. After she and I laughed easily together for the first time in years.
See if I really have it in me to give another four years of effort, after 14 years of livng in frustration with her, and the past four years of living in frustration without her.
Today I am in a very good place. And I really don't give a damn if its pig-headed of me or not to continue DBing. I do not need or want any other woman. I want her.
Robin.
"I want to be loved, but by only you."
"Boop Boop Be Do."
Ah, I suspected as much. Surprised that you left paradise, but not surprised you're back here. I hope you are doing the right thing, and that you are wise enough to do it the right way.
