Wow FD, that was really nice of you to say about me. Thank you. I was going to get philosophical on my thread but WTH...
Rob, I really like her example and I think it does apply to me. I think that it's because when I think back to 3 months ago, a year ago and beyond, I can't imagine I was any different than I am now. I can't remember a time when it didn't feel natural to these "DB" things. It's not until I remember WHERE I am now, with my M in shambles and W poised to leave me, that I realize that IF I was this way back then, I would not be desperately fighting for my M, or at least it's a lot less likely I would be. It's the classic "if I only knew then what I know now" syndrome. The fact is that I cannot even really remember what it was like to be so stupid, uncaring, inconsiderate, selfish, controlling and childish. I know I still feel all of those from time to time, and even act on them, but it's the realization that I was not being true to who I wanted to be, and thus untrue to those I professed to love, that turned me towards growth and away from stagnant self pity. It's the fact that they are feelings I have, and ways I act, NOT who I am anymore that makes all the difference. I AM who I choose to be not a victim of who everyone, especially my W, thinks I am. It's interesting to learn the difference between respecting other people's opinions and living by them.
I also have a confession of sorts to make. I use all kinds of tricks, including temporary denial, to make it through the day. Michelle calls it acting "as if". I call it denial. You call it whatever you need to, but next to detachment, it's the single most important thing I have gotten from DB/DR. It allows me to retain ownership of my mood/actions when I am facing uncertainty or adversity. The only difference between true denial and "as if" is that at NO time do I ever forget or deny that my situation exists, but I do deny it's ability to control me. I have been acting "as if" there was no OM for awhile now. When I am confronted with his presence, it still affects me for sure, but like a rubber ducky being pulled under water, I know I will eventually rise back to the surface. (unless of course he pokes little holes in me or holds me under, but you get the point).
I think it's helpful for me to know the place I always need to get back to is the "as if" place I have created for myself, and NOT the crappy, miserable place that we think is the ONLY place that exists anymore because of the current sitch. When adversity hits (OM calls, W goes "to a movie by herself", etc.) I get pissed, angry, sad, whatever, but then I start to make my way back to where I can act "as if" again by actively WANTING to be in that frame of mind and NOT wanting to be miserable. Of course it helps if this happens BEFORE I decide to react and say something I will regret, but this isn't always the case. Nobody's perfect in all this, especially me. It is also never really that easy.
Rob, I post all this because I know reading Frank's threads, and countless others' here, including YOURS, helped me as much for the advice as the example you all set for me. It's fine to read a book, but seeing capable, thoughtful people put it into such eloquent practice really drives the message home in a way ink on paper never could for me. I know you can do this stuff. It IS doable, but YOU have to do it. If you need to believe it's all in the name of fixing your M, then believe that (sorry DB) if it will make you commit totally to doing the right thing. I did that, and part of me honestly still does find motivation there but I know now that I was always doing it for me first, everyone else second. Rob, we all came here to fix our M. If not, we would have no use for a book called Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy. We would have bought "How to be a happy, single man again" or something like that. Do these things for whatever reason you see fit, but in the end, you WILL be doing them for you and it's just a side effect that all you love will benefit from it.
GH
P.S. Wholy crap. Please shoot me if I EVER do that again...geezus. One compliment and I think I am DB Ghandi or something...lol.
