Oh I see. So you are all worried about how to manage your spouse's feelings if you are honest about your own.
What about, "I feel dismissed and not heard when you try to tell me I shouldn't feel a certain way. I'm not saying that I should or shouldn't. I often wish I didn't. What I am telling you is how I feel."
What about, "It hurts me even to share this with you because I feel it is bringing up painful feelings in you. I don't want to hurt you."
How would you feel if W said, "I'm not going to tell you how I feel about our M and OM because it hurts you and I don't want to cause you pain. Instead, I will repress my feelings, not make any emotional progress, resent you, and block this path to emotional intimacy. Of course, this is all for your own good, I have to look after YOUR feelings for you after all."
Gee, so having an A and seeing how it hurts you causes W pain. Is that inappropriate????
You peeps try to keep W from feeling the pain of losing you (you will be STRONG and be there for her no matter what, right?), from feeling the pain of acknowledging the results of her own actions, from facing what they have done and are doing. You know what? It will work. It won't sink in until they are away from you and you quit managing their feelings. Then, maybe, they'll start to feel the loss and recognize the pain they have caused themselves and others. Of course, by that time, it may well be to late to salvage your M. But, at least in the meantime, you will have protected her feelings.
What about just being honest about the broad strokes of how you are feeling, "Gee honey, now that you ask, I am feeling very conflicted. I want to stay and work on this marriage but I also want to respect myself. I get confused about how to do that with OM still in the picture."
Now, I'm not saying it is always the right time to say such things. BUT, if there is going to be R talk, I would strongly recommend that it be of that nature.
Yes, I'm in an impatient mood this morning. But *really*.
