Not very productive. Instead, very blameful, accusatory, judgmental, manipulative, self-centered, and whiny.
Contrast: Honey, what's wrong? You are treating me horribly, you are terribly unfair, you are a horrible woman, wife and mother, I am the screwed over H
with: Honey what's wrong? I am really hurting because of the state of our marriage. And I'm really hurting and scared about your contact with OM. I feel it as a betrayal each time you are in contact with OM. I feel like it says something about me, that I am not good enough, that I am inadequate. I also feel used and taken advantage of. And, I get so scared because I really want our M to become one that we both want and I'm afraid your contact with him will undermine our chances. I'm frustrated because I really want to give you the time and space to figure this out on your own but it is very hard because I find it so painful. I feel second-best. I feel stupid for having trusted you and ungrounded because I don't know when to believe my own thoughts. I feel sick and panicked from the uncertainty. I'm confused about how to respect myself during this process and how to give you the freedom I want you to have so that you don't resent me. I resent you because I feel I am totally sacrificing myself to give us a chance while you are taking advantage of that. I'm angry at myself for feeling that resentment because I know that this is hard for you and you are giving as much as works for you right now. I'm really really hurting.
You see, when W asked what was wrong, I don't think she was asking you what was wrong WITH HER. Figure out your own feelings and report them. Don't tell her how she should react or what she should do in light of them.
"W, last night when you were worried about me I'm afraid I reacted out of anger and pain and jumped all over you. Let me try again to answer your question of concern that was concern about how I am doing..."
