Last night and this morning I told my W in no certain terms that I didn't feel that it was right, fair, etc for her to be telling me that she wants to try and work this out and that this is where she wants to be, while continuing to keep OM in her life. They still keep in contact
I think it's true that a working on the primary relationship is sabotaged by continued contact with the OP. The OP has to be cut off entirely forever.
So, if your W is at a place where she says she wishes to work on your relationship, I think it entirely appropriate to make that request. Of course, the manner in which one makes that request is important.
"Last night and this morning"... may be too much. You've stated it once, and she heard you. To keep hammering away at it could have a negative effect.
It could be that your W is keeping OM as a safety net in the event the reconciliation doesn't work out. However, by continuing an emotional attachment to him does interfere with her emotional attachment to you, and vice versa, not being able to give 100% to either party.
In the meantime, you have to work more on your changes and get rid of the behaviors that impact your W in a negative way that has her keeping her walls up. Seriously. IOW, you have to develop yourself to where you are definitely the better option, the one that meets her needs and creates a completely comfortable and safe environment for her to be herself.
please know that I understand that I KNOW what I am doing is counterproductive, its just stopping the behavior before it happens.
Give up that control, you can't stop anything from happening. You engage in this behavior because of a reason, and the reason most probably deep down is that you fear losing her. But you're more likely to lose her by engaging in counterproductive behavior, no?
Accept what is. You only set yourself up for frustration otherwise. What you're doing with this control is trying to get W to meet your expectations now. That may or may not happen, but that's going to depend on her, not you. All you can do is influence her, and you can't influence someone in these sitches by words alone, and certainly, not by demands.
So the key here is YOU, since you're the only one you can control. Purge your expectations, and frustration will dissipate. So will your anger. Give up trying to control the situation. It is what it is, not what you'd like it to be. Work with what is, instead. Focus on your development, because those consistent changes are really the most credible way to slowly convince her where her best option is.
And really, if you KNOW that what you're doing is counterproductive, then WHY do you insist on doing it? Take the mind set that every time you do something counterproductive, you're setting the clock back, giving her more reason not to draw close. Do NOT make the mistake of thinking that your counterproductive behavior has no or slight impact on her.
