Quote: Are you closer to a D than you were a few weeks/months ago? If not, then you are doing something right. Is worrying and stressing about things beyond your control going to move you closer to or further away from a D?
A two part question. First off, do I belive that we are closer to a D? Actually, no. If anything, I think we are further from a D or even an S than we were back in December. Prior to the New Year, she was definitely leaning to S. So in that respect, yes, I must have been doing something right the past two months because, as far as I can tell, that's not even an option for her at this point. Remember, she has said that this is where she wants to be, etc.
Now, for the second part of that question....do I believe that worrying and obsessing over things that are out of my control will move us closer to a D? Maybe not a full out D, but it could eventually push her into an S.
Quote: You just want everything to be cut and dried, and fixed right now. You want no complications (which by the way, is a desire your W seems not to share...read:we need more excitment). It sounds like you want your old M back, something that by now you should know is not possible nor desirable.
Yes, a quick fix is absolutely desirable. I don't want this OM to be part of our lives anymore. I want to be able to move forward with our M and make things work. Do I want the old M back? Some aspects of it, yes. Obviously things can't be the same as they were....I would even ackowledge that, and truthfully, I don't want things exactly the same....I want more excitement, I want to bond with my W without the complication, I want a lot of things.
Quote: You can't keep doing, doing, doing right up until something happens and then immediately stop DB and everything else positive while you try to figure out what it means. It can't be said enough. These things you do are for YOU, not to see how they affect your W!
And to a very large extent, these things I am doing for me. I have seen progress in myself and the way I perceive myself. To some extent, yes I am doing these things to affect her...obviously becuase that's what this is about. Its not about manipulating her, but to bring about a change in thinking. Now, at the same time, I haven't been sitting around glum and dreary and have interacted positively with her and the girls. I am a far cry from where I was 2 or 3 months ago (read: blubbering idiot). It is indeed a work in progress.
Quote: And...I don't think you did a terrible thing, but it would be good to know what her response was. Please post more
No, I would agree it wasn't a terrible thing. But still it just goes to show me that these obsessive thoughts catch hold of my brain and don't want to let go. In a nutshell, she asked me yesterday what was bothering me. I told her. I really do not believe that it is fair for her to believe that she can work on this relationship to the extent that she has said she would while she continues to maintain an R with him, however trite it may be. I told her that in the reverse situation, she would never accept that, etc. This conversation started last night, she went to work, and then I picked up on it again this morning.
Here are some of her responses: I just talk to him as a friend, we don't get together, etc.
No, I never said it was fair.
No matter how good things are going, you're still never happy.
Give me a chance.
Okay, so you see the gist of it? Long story short, yes, she recognizes that it is not "ok" to continue the relationship. At the same time, what the heck is wrong with me that I cannot accept any less that total committment. So there it is, in a nutshell.
You know, despite all this, I do still see many positives and I know that time is on my side if only I can have the patience.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
