Emerging from my cave

[OG_Lou]

you can play all the roles, wear all the hats-- bartender, flirt, James Bond, strutting rooster, intellectual, little boy, playmate, sensitive best friend, witty jokester, loving partner-- but remember that under all of those roles is the unchanging ocean that is You. All of those roles are you, but you are not limited by any one of them.

I agree with Lil's whole post.

My career/work hat was the one I wore the most, depended on the most, then I could not do auto repair anymore. No hat, not much Lou left over. I guess I was hiding behind my careeh hat too much. It took a long time to give up my favorite hat and use the other ones.

I am not saying my situation is like yours, just encouraging you to be real and go without a hat more often. Let some people discover the genuine you. Play with a couple of "what if's hats" if you feel like it. I do it with your and others suggestions/advice.

You don't have to give up the hats for good, thay are part of you, but not all of you.

Lou

[Chrissy]

BF..

Twice huh well then what was the first time?

I said that it was not all about your relationship.

But I do like the fact that whole post was in complete sentences not half said short and brisk open ended wordage. Allowed us to see the complete thought structure.

Still painful. Still had to fight my impulses to get her back. But I dont know if they came from principal, or feeling of loss, competitive drive, etc. gets muddled when your in that three person mix.

The pain and the fighting of your impulses gets muddled even when a third party is not in the mix. It is a part of losing something that either is or was important to you.
It is part of excepting and wading through the fact that maybe you failed at something but you are not a failure.
And for someone who has a history of suceeding this concept maybe larger then it is in those who have a history of only suceeding half the time or rarely ever. (which is still a pretty good track record in my opinion).


other then that, I have nothing to confess or secret that I can think of. So you are welcome to ask and I will be honest.

How do you feel about the fact that your marriage failed.
Not what you did wrong not what you should have done could have done or should have known better then. No logical rambles just pure emotional truth.

How does a person who is usually successful at anything and everything they put there mind to (going from your resume of life posted on here at one time). Feel about not suceeding at something that is so all important to them as marriage.

Let me guess they rewrite the history they throw themselves into other projects. They work to much and basically push them selves to the limit in every other aspect of there life. And then they use logic to make it appear that it is all there fault and they had complete controll of the situation. All the while they are talking words and not feelings.
Sounds like a great form of detachment.

But what lies beneath it BF.
You are good at the I did this and I did thats and all the logic. But how does BF feel?

[Corri]

BF:

So its possible that I wasnt a man of integrity, and respect, and honor, and didnt stick to my vows. But I have no guilt over it, because she was an adulterer. and the ideals I believe in excuses me from my marriage for this.

Nope.

Transference. Projection. Her sh!t is her sh!t, your sh!t is yours. Self-accountability. Leave her out of it. Otherwise, you just may as well say "the devil made me do it."

You did mental warfare on that woman the second go-round, cuz she not only left you once, but twice, for that same two-timing honor/moral-lacking schmuck. And if she can do that...with him... twice... somewhere in a remote corner of your mind, you may wonder... what the hell does that say about me?

And now you are feeling guilty for pulling out all the stops and driving her away, so she will always know and have to live with the fact that SHE left YOU....TWICE.... you gave her TWO chances and she screwed 'em BOTH UP...HER FAULT!!!! and perhaps there is some part of you that cringes and curls up because she says she misses you so much... but you could never, ever take her back and risk opening yourself up to the possibility of that kind of hurt again. She doesn't deserve you. But you still miss her and love her. B!tch.

<nod>

Ah, BF, it's okay to be human, bud. I don't care how YOU define yourself... people do very human kinds of things when their feet get knocked out from under them.... whether they were expecting it or not.

Were I a guy and I lived in Cali, I'd take you to some crab shack on the beach, feed you, get you good and buzzed, hand you a cigar, and we'd smoke 'em while we wathced the sun go down. I"d make you rate all the babes walking up and down the beach....

Who am I kidding..????

I'd do that whether I was a guy or not....

It's good to know that there is someone like YOU out there, all disciplined and high idealed, compassionate, smart, sassy, kind-hearted... who can lose it just like the rest of us mortals, too. Cuz then I can say to you without a shadow of a doubt... you WILL get through this. If **I** can do it, so can you.

Just put away the hair shirt and self-flogger... they are SOOOO last year.

Corri

whistling to herself and she walks down the boardwalk... well, would you lookie there... BF is human and the world is STILL HERE....

[blackfoot]

Chrissy

first off I want to say that your posts have changed considerably around here lately.

Frankly I think they have been fantastic.

Youve been doing quite a bit less dissembling in general, though more with me there for a moment in your thread. Thats why Ive been in absentia. Its fun, but too confusing in this format, when its about R topics that are serious.

Ok done redirecting.


How do you feel about the fact that your marriage failed.
I hate it with every fiber of my being. It infuriates me to no end, and the absolute stupidity of D, most D, and in particular THIS D fills me with such impotent rage that I cant even express it.
I failed. and I hate myself for failing even with the second seperation, and the fact that she has had the nerve to come back and say 'we had it all, but it can never be the same.... can it?' Ohhh I know what that means, but that aside, NO SH!T you stupid B!tch. I'm not the one who forgot it and threw it away because of attraction. and I told her and I warned her.
But I dont get to say that. Wont say that. externalizing. Im not a victim, and frankly I know what my mistakes were that added to it. she was no more able to control her emotional reactivity then I was. Cant expect from her what I couldnt give.
and Im really really pissed at me for not being fast enough to stop the dominoes from falling.
But I wasnt. and when you push the envelop all the time, and run on the razors edge, and walk the tight rope with no net, Its gonna happen.
and it doesnt matter that it was the most important thing to be succesful at. Next time I cherish my diamond instead of flaunting it. So I wasnt smart enough, or fast enough, or educated enough, but Im still alive. of course. So maybe next time. Ive failed many times getting to my goals. Just keep learning from what didnt work.

So, Im not as much of a control wizard as I thought. We broke ourselves just to break the other person. Isnt that smart.


<puking icon>

Chrissy stirs the pot. BF skimming the dross.

[Stigmata]

Stig.
I prefer platinum over gold. Its rarer dontchaknow. Ill be skimming the dross off for the rest of my life.

- What are you doing. Stop that.

One more of these and I'll have to toss you into my analogical smelter along with my dirty gold and your dirty platinum.

What I am talking about:

Ladies.

Ahem. If I may be so bold as to interrupt this big group hug of BF, head patting, meal cooking, wine drinking/dancing, music-referring, cigar smoking crab-eating, wardrobe-changing smotherings for a sec...(Sheesh!)



I have a platinum ring (thanks for reminding me, blackfoot ; yes I do know the rarity; it's usually what I buy) inset with with 14 FL diamonds if any of you are interested.

Despite the significant financial cost, it means nothing to me anymore. A hunk of rare metal inlaid with highly pressurized carbon. SFW. <no expression>

-Stigmata-

PS. Are you Fs trying to make me think Fs are actually COOL with all of your "fun" get blackfoot's mind off sitch theatrics? pfffft. Now you sound like attractive Ms to me. This is what they would do. You're leading. Stop that. Back to Submissive Receiver please, chop-chop!

[Stigmata]

Corri-


You did mental warfare on that woman the second go-round, cuz she not only left you once, but twice, for that same two-timing honor/moral-lacking schmuck.
And if she can do that...with him... twice... somewhere in a remote corner of your mind, you may wonder... what the hell does that say about me?

-- I am starting to hyperventilate...

-Stig-gasp-Mata-

[Chrissy]

BF,

Thank you for that!
It was honest and real.

[blackfoot]

ah how nice.

the girl in the glass house has come to throw stones.

<bf takes of hair shirt and puts down flog.>
<corrie picks up flog and whap whap whaps BF somemore.>

Ah. Thank you. no need for self flaggelation with friends like these.

You did mental warfare on that woman

No. I engaged in zero abuse, and zero neediness. I only opened my mouth to validate, and stayed dark. Period. I acted completely congruent with how most any man would react to being cheated on.

She doesn't deserve you. But you still miss her and love her
Im a big believer that we all get what we deserve. I do miss us. I do not love (ideal) her. I do have emotions left over for her.

BF is human already beat you too it.

So this is what happens when you open up. Taunting and poking. Hmm. not so bad after all.

Thanks for the crab and cigars. and the smiles. I think I should go get some sleep now. The owl has come and gone and I am feeling much much better.
Just keep chrissy from stirring up that pot anymore.

[Corri]

BF:

<bf takes of hair shirt and puts down flog.>
<corrie picks up flog and whap whap whaps BF somemore.>

No. No. No. NO. NO!!!!!!!

I in no way meant to even ATTEMPT to throw stones at you. I am NOT criticizing you, nor do I want to make you feel bad or worse.

What I am trying to do, have been trying to do with you, is to help you SEE that even you are human. Not perfect. I was trying to come across with some humor, but obviously I fell flat on my face. I am so sorry.

No. I engaged in zero abuse, and zero neediness. I only opened my mouth to validate, and stayed dark. Period. I acted completely congruent with how most any man would react to being cheated on.

<nod> Okay. (saying that very gently). Okay. I'm backing away.

Im a big believer that we all get what we deserve.

<shake head>. Okay.

I'm going to shut up. I don't think I am helping here at all.... but please believe me, I was not attempting to flog you... I wouldn't do that. I think I took the wrong tact, and I apologize for causing you additional pain.

Corri

[karen1]

Stig,

Hey - don't forget it is the egg that sends biochemical messages that "call" and "direct" the sperm. The receiver is as active as the giver sometimes. Anyway, we know that our comfort is often received by men as "Woman, just back off and leave me alone" but we just can't resist.

Bf,

I am so sorry for the pain you are in and for our collective inability to help in any real way. Please stick with us on this board despite our clumsy efforts and know that we wish the best for you.

Karen