saying something that you need to say. And I am trying to not jump and put words into your mouth and take a line from your book and wait and see if I am right about what I think you have issue with. (reference to you thinking I have more then one secret).
twice in one day you have me confused.
Nah I have pretty much said it all. I beat myself up for putting the three of us in such close proximity. Ive known how and what causes attraction/falling in love for a long time. I dont beat myself up at all for the crashing insecurities and not even for not protecting, though that IS a part of the putting all three of us together. because I honestly did not have understanding of that. I felt it and squelched it like many men do because of our socialization.
I dont even beat myself up for the cold hearted, logical, implying that I dont trust her, comment that I made, or the action that I did .... that made her insecure, jealous to the point of getting back at me. I was stuck in the spotlight, I looked at her, asked her for permission, she gave it, and thats that.
I do beat myself up for my emotional reactivity after A, and during reconcil. like baltoman says, when I was berating her, I was looking at myself going. 'Dude, stop. What are you doing'. Ive gotten real angry, and handed out some justified whuppings in my past. Ive never treated anyone like that ever and it was just verbal. Pure malice and resentment. Its my bag of shame that I still carry.
To her- it demonstrated unequivocally that I didnt love her. I would never forgive her, it could never be the same.
also, I have allready said from day one here, that the actions I was taking during our second seperation were in fact going to instigate her to sign and complete the D.
LFL posted to me once about what I was doing, knowing better etc. Im not angry anymore, I can see where she would pop up for a breath of air occasionally, and I would push the M back down under the water again to use lils analogy.
So its possible that I wasnt a man of integrity, and respect, and honor, and didnt stick to my vows. But I have no guilt over it, because she was an adulterer. and the ideals I believe in excuses me from my marriage for this.
Still painful. Still had to fight my impulses to get her back. But I dont know if they came from principal, or feeling of loss, competitive drive, etc. gets muddled when your in that three person mix. I would have tried if she had been a WAW without the second A.
other then that, I have nothing to confess or secret that I can think of. So you are welcome to ask and I will be honest.
