Like HP, I can clearly hear your pain and yet, I am lousy at comforting men. H finds me much too close for comfort when he is in that much pain. When his best friend died he could barely be in a room with me but he loved going and doing stuff with guys e.g. bowling in silence, punctuated by the occasional "in your face, dude" (I went with them the silence felt weird). He wanted someone to just be with. Do you have someone that can do that for you - "just be" and allow you the same? If so, find that someone and head to the nearest - pool hall, batting cages, golf course, strip joint, bowling alley, gym or whatever and do some hanging out.
In the meantime, about your SO. I can't say I agree on the leaving the door open that Lil mentioned. I want you to try to remember that she was an active participant in ALL aspects of your marriage. She chose her behaviors and she chose the consequences. So did you. Did your testing directly lead to her choices? I doubt it. Was that testing ill advised in an R with someone you love and trust? Probably. Live and learn.
Bf, what if my H is "testing" me? Let's see if I don't provide the kind of sl that K needs what will she do? Will she become a shrew? Will she cheat? Will she put up with it indefinately? Right now, my boss, whose W left him makes daily offers to be my sex slave, says what a lucky man H is etc...if I took him up on it (failed the test) would H's testing be the cause? Would my bosss's?Now, I realize that H isn't necessariy testing me but you see the point.
Bf, despite the limitations of cyberspace, if I were there with you we would go do "galpal" type hanging out. You mentioned San Francisco - we would walk around Chinatown, get some seafood somewhere, have several bottles of California wine, see a funny movie or go listen to a band play somewhere and dance and then, I would pat you on the head, send you to bed and in the morning wake you early to go work out whether we were hung over or not.
Since I'm not there just know that any of the ladies on this thread would be happy to try to comfort you in our own idiosyncratic way but the real comfort will come from honest evaluation (not self flaggelation),acceptance of yourself and ex for each of your failings, time and moving in a positive direction with a positive outlook and lessons learned.
Bf, did you ever just let W be herself and be yourself in return? Did you show yourself to her? Have you ever met a woman where it felt like that? Or did that feel too much like friendship to you? (For reference, I have had to ask myself similar questions. Ex-H and I had a lot of intensity and drama. Current H and I are pretty dramaless - it used to scare me a lot. Now I recognize that most would consider that a good thing). Bf, spend whatever time in your cave you must, work out/scream out whatever frustrations you must then re-engage with your life and strive to just be who you are and see what happens.
