I know what you are going through and feeling. But you are going into a black hole that can be dangerous. Do not blame yourself so harshly! You are NOT guilty of not loving her. That statement is one of total arrogance! Do you really think you have all the answers, and that you knew enough to know what you were doing to her at the time, that your were consciously hurting her? Your only sin is in being human, in not knowing the future and how you could be impacting others. But remember, you are still young, without the experience that age can provide. Are you to blame for that as well?
And she is not without fault either. You two were equally immature and needy. You two have both learned a great lesson. She made poor choices, she did not show her loyalty to you as you wanted. She did not pass your test. But what gives you the right to be testing her? That is the problem I have with your continual testing and “logicaling” of women. Sometimes they may decide they don’t like being tested, playing the game. Then what have you proved? The ones that get fed up with your games will not pass your test – they are too independent to play your game. The ones that do pass the test aren’t necessarily the ones you want either, because they may be too dependent on you, too insecure, that they end up suffocating you.
What was your wife? It sounds like you pushed her to become the independent one, when she originally was not. But as you withdrew, she had to stand up to you, had to fight to get you back. Then you laid out your tests. She said she wasn’t going to play that game. She raised the gamble, you called her bluff, and broke her. I think she is what you really wanted all along. But Like Schnarch says (yeah, I’m reading that book now), you were afraid to want her.
That is the other theme I get from all your posts. Nothing in particular, no specific comment, just the continual game playing, the deep analysis of women, the drive to know them better than they know themselves. And for what end? For protection. To cover your own vulnerabilities, to keep the opponent off balance, to set a counter offensive before they can even launch an attack – in short, to stay in control. The Art of War.
I’ve been there, done that. Not with nearly the skill and depth of knowledge you have. But the purpose was the same. The good thing is that you do not do this out of malice. You want to do what is best for women, because you truly care for them, but you need to find the confidence and peace within yourself. You must settle your demons. Maybe this means working on your FOO, I don’t know. But only then will you be able to set aside your ego and realize that sometimes even PRINCIPAL is not sufficient to override love. Principal may let you sleep at night, but it won’t make you happy. Only love will do that.
Stop pumping yourself up by saying you are saving her from the fate of being with you. You are not the same person you used to be. You are wiser, more experience, and have come to learn what is truly important in life. Do you really think you would have come to that understanding any other way. This awakening was meant to be. Where you go from here is your choice, it is not predestined. So what if she hasn’t figured out her sh*t! You haven’t either! But she holds the keys to your understanding and vice versa. I can tell you this much. On the path you are heading, with the anger I sense in you, the determination to go your path alone, to hell with the world, you will become bitter and resentful and pull further and further away from the truly enlightened person you can become. BTDT.
Right now your pride and ego are talking to you, but underneath all that is the hurt. The hurt is what makes your present path seem the logical choice. But years from now, that hurt is subside, the need for any sort of vengeance will fade and the logic of “punishing” your ex, dooming her to her choices, will not make any sense at all. But then it will be too late. Don’t be a fool.
Yes, go into your cave a while, let things settle. There is plenty of time. Be truthful with yourself, but stop beating yourself up. You were and are not all that omniscient. Come talk to me when you’re ready.
