--------------------------------------------- Blackfoot says: I never forgot it, I just couldnt do it after she failed my test Blackfoot says: first I never thought that was a option. Arrogant Blackfoot says: then Jealousy and seeing ALLL my dreams plans go poff killed me Stigmata says: and you saw cobra and lfl posts on your thread. Blackfoot says: I never considered that I wouldn be able to handle my emotions or if she left me Blackfoot says: nod Stigmata says: tough ones. Blackfoot says: I cant reply Blackfoot says: my comments are ascerbic and staccato Stigmata says: i was thinking this a.m about how things started falling together with your need to set up testing damned the consequences. Stigmata says: from your posts and IRL stuff etc. Stigmata says: makes sense your interst in nitro and chemistry and poly sci...with playing and testing landica as a prosecutor if given the chance Stigmata says: and your O2 mix. And your crumbling granite observation. You already know the results of everything in these sitches b/c you're 15 steps ahead.... Stigmata says: but you follow through in order ot push the limit and prove your theories. Blackfoot says: re lfl and cobra. I dont believe in divorce. I wont do remarriage. ever. Hence I have to go cold turkey to my personal opiate addiction. x. Stigmata says: knowing full well it could end in total disaster or death. Blackfoot says: yes I dont like theories Blackfoot says: I want imperical evedince Stigmata says: wrong word. Stigmata says: i didn't mean theory. I mean the whole set up of the experiment. The empirical ahhh "the control" in the study. Blackfoot says: ahh. Stigmata says: so it's not a theory. it's you building (after all you are a builder/craftsman) an immensely well studied/thought out experiment. Stigmata says: you like constructing things rom scratch and playing with the edge...like with the fascination with nitro. Blackfoot says: funny Stigmata says: knowing you could blow your ass to kingdom come Blackfoot says: my workmates think I am crazy. Blackfoot says: they think I am safe at work and trust me, call me superman, but they think I am nuts with my personal safety Stigmata says: ah, yes and you know what that alludes to don't you? Blackfoot says: one asked me yesterday, why do you always have to push the envelope Stigmata says: oh fcuk another exact phrase from my hournal "why do you always have to push the envelope, Stigmata?" Blackfoot says: thought about it and said I dont know. Im practicing for the real thing -the moment- when I will have to be 'ON'. Stigmata says: when I almost flipped my car at 100 plus Blackfoot says: ah yes Blackfoot says: I wrecked my nissan altima at 140 back in ........ 92? Blackfoot says: 93? Stigmata says: but back to this safety and trust yet personally...wreckless.... Stigmata says: ouch Blackfoot says: yes everyone trusts me with there kids, their life, etc Stigmata says: where i ws going with this. Stigmata says: what this alludes to. an exact application. Blackfoot says: Im all ears Stigmata says: and ties in with you sharing your fuzzy dreams with people who have no business being involved. Stigmata says: you created a perfect fuzzy safe almost enabling einvironment for OM. At the risk of putting you and x in total [censored] disaster danger. Blackfoot says: ah but I am haveing such a great time. such a great life is ahead of me. I want to share it, and bring others with me Blackfoot says: people with talents that complement mine or push me Blackfoot says: I always surrond myself with alpah males Stigmata says: others=safety; you and your R-=in jeopardy Blackfoot says: hence my letting x go Stigmata says: like your workers trust you but you are your own worst enemy as to your own safety. Blackfoot says: she is half of me hence subject to the dangers that inherently WILL be in my life. Stigmata says: exactly Blackfoot says: I cant do that to her. shouldnt do that to any woman Blackfoot says: ok I am going to post to cobra now Stigmata says: you both were one. can't kill one siamese twin without offing the other. Blackfoot says: with basically this stuff Blackfoot says: nod Blackfoot says: I broke her Stigmata says: go for it. Blackfoot says: and broke myself Blackfoot says: in the process. Stigmata says: of course. as youu are part of it Stigmata says: you had a vested interest this time. usually you don't care of your self preservation. Stigmata says: but this is diferent. this is something <hugs> you actually cherished. Blackfoot says: no I didnt Blackfoot says: I felt it inside Stigmata says: well cherished I mean, "loved" Blackfoot says: but I did in fact NOT cherish it Blackfoot says: or she would still be here. Blackfoot says: maybe Ill just post this convo to the thread Blackfoot says: with your permission of course Stigmata says: and you didn't break her. she was just too weak to pass your "control" experiment Stigmata says: she broke herself. deep down she had the choice. she knew what she was doing was wrong. Blackfoot says: attraction is not a choice Blackfoot says: neither is the feeling that your SO doesnt care I am sure. Stigmata says: no but loyalty and trust is. Blackfoot says: ahhh loyalty. Blackfoot says: the only thing my mother ever said to me about the whole thing was, " Blackfoot you are loyal to your death. can you forgive her." Stigmata says: and you were loyal to OM. all you have to do is think if the roles were turned and OM and hi x included you in everything. Stigmata says: i highly doubt you would go there with his W. Blackfoot says: yes. I do forgive. when she is gone. I forgive her. when she proves that I was a terrible H, I dont blame her for leaving. when she comes back, becasue I 'attract her' or when I make no changes, then its impossible for me to forgive the abuse. Blackfoot says: no. never. i have had that opportunity more then once. Stigmata says: im sure Stigmata says: and that' what scares me off my x. i forgive her for a lot; i see where i was weak. but if she were to come back I will remember her abuse and be pissed. Blackfoot says: I dont abuse when I quit a R. Its one reason I know I am not narcisstic. Stigmata says: yeah, every other person in my life wanted me to punish x; but my R was effectively over. I saw no gain in that Stigmata says: which is why i have to give back this ring as well. It once had real feelings attached to it. And I can't have it as a reminder. Blackfoot says: nod Blackfoot says: few more days till our anniversary Stigmata says: another wave. Blackfoot says: yeah Blackfoot says: Im thinking of going to where we got married and having dinner. Blackfoot says: and a bottle of champagne. Stigmata says: yeah if it will help. Blackfoot says: it just came to me today on the way home Blackfoot says: from work Stigmata says: well as corny as it sounds, they always say to end a story at the same setting as it begins to sort of encapsulate it all
---------------------------------------------- HP. I broke her. understand?
