Ok why didnt I want to stay. What about her changed. I was bored with her. she was predictable. etc. hmm none of those were her changing. she was a great person still. those were my perceptions changing. and if it happend with her it would happen with the next person and the next. Of course I had alot of education helping me realize this stuff. But I know you do too.
wow. That could have been written by my H. Guess most men do think alike And from what I have surmised, it sounds like your W was a little hotty. Yet, you still got "bored" with her Even though she was a "great person". So all of this happened before she decided to have the A, right? hmmm Ouch Yes, losing attraction is a a real R killer. But is it just sexual attraction or an overall level of attraction? I find my H interesting, love his sense of humor, have the same taste in foods, travel, music, etc I like to touch him, reach out to him, hug, hold his hand. But when the sexual desire part comes into play, it's almost like we go into acting mode or something. It's hard to explain. We can have great sex when we are both really into it. But most of the time, it doesn't seem...natural (?) I'm not sure what word is good here. You know how when you are with some people it just flows so easy into the sexual aspect of the R? We have NEVER had an easy flow. That seems to be the root of the problem. What is up with that? I love this man. He loves me. When people found out about the separation, most of them commented "but you guys were the perfect couple." Right. I just asked myself What DO I like about her. and the list was pretty darn long. So instead of looking at her as x the whole person, I would focus on just one attribute about her. That is a good idea. I am going to try this out. I think it will work to increase my overall attraction to H for sure. But the awkwardness is still going to be there I think. Always has. That's not something that we "lost." H and I had a serious conversation about this last night. Again, he stated he was worried I will have an A because of this issue and I stated I was worried he would leave again. So at least the cards are on the table. Our weaknesses are no longer being denied or brushed under the rug. The problem though is that we both sort of came to the conclusion that this is "us". This is how we are together and we love each other but the sexual side of the R is just always going to be a struggle. We both feel like we need to come to some Acceptance of that or we will make ourselves miserable all over again. I'm scared we won't be able to change our perceptions enough on this issue, but time will tell. When he feels your acceptance and you drop your fear, good things will happen. He 'feels' something in regards to your opinion of the sex life. Very likely his assumption is wrong. But his assumption is not wrong. As per our conversation, we put it all out on the table. The SL is not where we would want it to be but we agreed to work on acceptance of that fact. It may never get to great but maybe good enough. The other parts of our R make up for some of what is lacking in the bedroom but I can't sublimate all of my sexual desires. I wouldn't want to and shouldn't have to. But I can sometimes. Probably more than I do now. That is a concept I am trying to embrace at this point. We'll see how it goes.
