Yes I do need a reminder. I want to be able to change my perception of this "attraction" problem. I don't want to dwell on the negative but I am sort of stuck on how to really see him as I WANT to see him, my H, my sexual partner, lover, etc
I remember when I lost my attraction for x the first time. complete LYBNILWY. I was soooo bored with her/us . To be blunt I was really tired of Fing her. I didnt want to hurt her and break up, but I really didnt want to continue on with things the way they were. Besides there was all this opportunity out there knocking on the door. So I had to make a decision. cut her loose, or stay.
Ok why didnt I want to stay. What about her changed. I was bored with her. she was predictable. etc. hmm none of those were her changing. she was a great person still. those were my perceptions changing. and if it happend with her it would happen with the next person and the next. Of course I had alot of education helping me realize this stuff. But I know you do too.
Well I wanted that feeling back. knew I couldnt be trusted if I couldnt avoid losing my attraction for her, AND in conjunction with the OP attraction trap. (which still almost got me years later) How to do it.
I just asked myself What DO I like about her. and the list was pretty darn long. So instead of looking at her as x the whole person, I would focus on just one attribute about her. Sometimes physical. sometimes not. ex. she is passionate about politics in the sense of crusading for human rights. Then I would just focus on that one thing for as long as it held my attention. untill I got bored with it. ex. her hands. not a joke. man I loved her hands. amazing. absolutely fantastic. and I would play with them and she 'helped' me out by getting manicures and using different colored polish (variety, something different) I would tell her I would like your nails like .... or the color to be ..... and she got the 'hint'. I could tell she liked it when I would just focus on one thing about her too. Did I repeat. of course. over and over. but it would be 'new' again after I had gone thru the list of things.
but you have kinda already figured this out.
Quote: I'm not feeling bad about us either though. I feel like I am being realistic about what we can achieve together. And it is a lot! We are great parents, best friends, good partners, but the SL is not what I would choose. I need to keep those positives in mind and continue to work on improving the SL.
your coming to acceptance while working for a future, and appreciation.
Turned everything I believed in on its head. I was lost for a while. I must have been telling myself through the years that the SL was not a big deal because he made up for it in so many other ways. Well all that flew out the window when he left. WTF?
Resentment LFL. Dont let it kill you. he left for reasons that you had a part in. Trust me thoses reasons become crystal clear to you after your SO is gone for a while and there is no fixing it. I know right now, and I will years from now what I did wrong that lead to my D and that I wasnt man enough to fix it. years from now I hope you are still M.
What if I give myself to him even more this time and he up and leaves? Maybe that is why I am feeling reluctant to lead in the bedroom. Be so intimate, raw, vulnerable
fear. yes its making you do the wrong thing.
But alas, I cannot control him. not alas. its a good thing. When he feels your acceptance and you drop your fear, good things will happen. He 'feels' something in regards to your opinion of the sex life. Very likely his assumption is wrong. He wont know this untill you show him.
