Thanks for trying to explain it to me. For me though, it just illustrates just how intimate eye contact is during ML. Neither of you are willing/able (whichever it is) to do that right now....so you (either of you) aren't exposing yourself to the other completely.
This is the main reason I bring my H's focus back to me if I notice him closing his eyes....or looking around the room. It's not an easy thing to do, as you yourself said, but if he can become comfortable with eye contact during sex....I truly do feel he will have a greater liklihood of opening up in other ways sexually....and emotionally.
My H has admitted to me that he has emotions tied to sex, just as I do....but closing your eyes and not truly engaging your partner allows you to detach and fantasize. In the past my H would do that....he wouldn't look at me, he would close his eyes. Back when I was LD and my XH would ask me to open my eyes....I would say "but this helps me enjoy it more"....that was the biggest load of bull. It just allowed me to get through what was happening without risking any real contact emotionally.
I know you don't want to be the aggressive one in the bedroom....heck I don't either! But the only way my H is going to learn that what he has in his mind is ok is for me to teach him that it is....and that means I do have to be the aggressor....but I do tell him, this is not a role I want, and I am only willing to take this role to help him get through this phase. He is going to have to step up and start taking charge too.
Take last night for example....I wasn't going to give him a BJ until he told me that yes, he wanted one. Telling me "I'd have to be an idiot to turn that down." was a non-committal answer....I wasn't going to accept it. It is also a way of teaching/training him to start saying what he wants.
I know you and I aren't the same person, we see things differently. For me though, even though I've been horribly hurt, as have you....it's a decision to really work on my M and save it that has me doing what I am. Sometimes LFL, baby steps don't cut it, baby steps can be an excuse to not really do the work. My H kept baby stepping his way through our issues....low and behold, he wasn't addressing them at all.
You two are making some small improvements, and that's great...but what might happen if you just jumped in full force and really rattled his cage like I am? Seriously. I mean...last night when I finished with my H I told him "you could have been having this for years."....but we wouldn't be doing this now if I didn't take the risk....and it is a risk. It's kind of up to you as to how long you want to baby step I guess. Personally, I'm fed up with baby steps.
