This is hard for me to answer. I guess having recently experienced it with someone else, I must be associating it with OM (?) Not sure. Also, OM led in the bedroom for sure. So I was more comfortable doing it with him. He put me at ease to express that side of me. I am not as comfortable leading with H even though I usually have to. See the problem there. H will not lead like that. If he tries to lead, it comes off...forced (?). I can sense his uncomfortableness but still appreciate his effort. Part of me thinks until H becomes comfortable, I will not be comfortable. Thus, the SL continues to suffer. It's a Catch-22. I am not wanting to be the aggressive one in the bedroom. I am HD but I think I prefer to be submissive (most of the time to the man). Oh the feminists are going to hate me for that. But that is what turns me on. H is not like that at all. I've known this since day one so I am not blaming him. Simply stating facts. The part I've struggled with so much the past year and a half or so is that I knew in my heart H was a good person, friend, person in general. I couldn't really ask for a better father for my kids. He is a NICE person and I mean that int he best way. So when he up and left, WOW. Turned everything I believed in on its head. I was lost for a while. I must have been telling myself through the years that the SL was not a big deal because he made up for it in so many other ways. Well all that flew out the window when he left. WTF? It took all of my strength to get back to this place of seeing him as the H I love and want to be with. But there is a part of me that thinks, what if it happens again? What if I give myself to him even more this time and he up and leaves? Maybe that is why I am feeling reluctant to lead in the bedroom. Be so intimate, raw, vulnerable. Also why I am so amazed by you GEL after what you have been going through. I don't trust myself or him enough at times to fully dive back into this M. I need to take baby steps I guess. We are working on it and things have been improving but I know us. It's going to be a long difficult road.
