Emerging from my cave

[Stigmata]

So let me get this straight. You've started a new thread and are doing the sorting out/reflecting journaling...

whilst simultaneously dragging me out of my own cave into the light? (kicking and screaming I might add) GM-Chrysler.

Oh, wait...what am I saying. blackfoot. Nothing more than a mere artificial intelligence program designed by the fine folks at MWD Central to make me believe I'm crazy and actually talking to some weird extension of my own head. Hmmm, that's a new DB technique. Wonder if it's in a potential new book? "If you think you're crazy, it will keep you occupied and allow you to spend much less time obsessing over your R."

Well, it's obvious I'm going to have to journal at some point. And, btw, I DO NOT spill like this IRL. No Fing way. I guess that's why I am so guarded as to my anonymity at this point. I know the more RL connection I make the more I will retreat and withdraw. An F in RL reading my circuitous ramblings would know all of the right Stigmata buttons to push and I'd have to spend a year in my lab devising new ones to thwart her...providing I have not reconciled. Which is becoming less and less of an urge at present. But it changes on a daily basis, as those of us know.

I am not being chased. Nor am I chasing. Detente I guess you would call it. My biggest hurdle right now is what I feel in relation to Lust for Life.

The feeling of, "all the BS I had to endure...stress...blah blah blah" and you dump ME?" WTF? Resentment and bitterness central. So I guess I'm waiting for some kind of show of effort to initiate R discussion from her.

But I know what you're going to say already (because you're my co-AI program remember). She will not do this. Will avoid. Feels a big sense of guilt--which I think she does IMO.

Also, I need to know the truth as to OM situation. I told her night of bomb to please give me the respect to be honest with me if it were an attraction to another M. Would make my life a hell of a lot easier. I am a black and white kind o guy. Said no. Fine. But then I think, "she knows I have no problem cutting someone who really hurts me out of my life. And she genuinely loves me. Said it would destroy her to lose me into the ether." Saying "Yes" to OM attraction would guarantee that. And we both know it.

Stigmata Catch 22. Frying pans and fires. Rocks and hard places. And it's becoming apparent that if I want an R I will have to now lead the peace talks. And not R stuff. "Like it never happened!" talks. She obviously doesn't want to go there. But to be her friend again. This is very hard for me as I am still smarting from her zero effort to even discuss anything, let alone talk to an third-person counselor. And this after investing a massive amount of emotional,, mental, financial blah blah blah real estate towards what I thought was a bond between two people in love with an "us against the world" outlook for 7 years of my life.

And that's why I like what you've pasted in your thread from the NOPs. I will re-read this because, yes, I do see a lot of good applicable info here. I hold myself 100 percent accountable for my part in the demise of this thing. No, I am not the cheater; nor will I ever be a cheater having had it happen to me and feeling the utter collapse of all of my manly man sensibilities. Plus I try and live with self respect and integrity. Because, without that, I really couldn't look myself in the mirror each day.. Yes, you can break my heart. Yes, you can take all I have away and all I cherish to be important in my life. But you cannot take this away from me. It's mine to protect and mine to potentially destroy.

Just like a study i read. Examined successful big companies in various industries. And examined their less successful rivals with same business model. In each and every case the more successful company was lead by a leader with unshakeable character. Bar none. While a large majority of the less successful but otherwise equivalent companies were led by leaders with questionable ethics etc. company policies and/or allowances.

So I guess I will know more as I start feeling out where our communications level is. Until then I really have to watch my inability to sleep, my diet and exercise, and my game plan as to how I can make myself into more of an retainable M...through the hard lessons I have learned about myself and my negative contributions to this painful episode of my life.

-Stigmata-