Journaling

Ive realized that I not only appreciate my friends here updating, good and bad, but that reciprocity is in order, since I have been subtly asked several times.

Since its not my usual modus operandi, IRL AT ALL, I am going to have to warm up to it however (despite what my pre-D sleep deprived rantings may have impressed ). Maybe just peek out and blink in the bright light a bit. Its an acknowledgement of LFL pointing out one of my manifestations that is causing me problems currently. another post though.

I feel my depression slowly ebbing, but the week of valentines, even though spent with another 'friend', only seemed to make my loss so much more..... I dont know. I didnt like it.

I grieved. first time in my life. even as a child I thought grief was a illogical emotion and a waste of time. Never allowed it in myself, even with the death of close family members.
This time however it was a malignancy that I could not??? chose not to stuff.( I could hear my own advice to Chrissy. Chrissy I hope you and your aunt are well.)

Not so much the loss of my W- as the loss of what we had and what we had planned.( her emailing and calling me three times in one day, even though ignored by me, dont help. How did she get my number? What part of ' I will never see or speak to you again' spoken on D day when asked to lunch afterwards did you not understand? )

Even though my life is and will be , most certainly, not bad by anyones measurement, I have so many long term plans that were- in process -that are simply not possible anymore. Our english major Mel did a much better job of expressing this in her thread then I am doing. --> Yeah what she said. <chuckle>

Which bring me to my friend Stig and something that I want to share with you Mister, that I extracted from a Post by Nops some time ago. I saved it to return me to owning my part of the D when the anger hits and I felt myself slipping towards unforgivness/bitterness/hatred.

It was aimed(by nop) at a man who had nearly a dozen affairs under his belt, but it had merit for me. Seeing as I will never relinquish responsibility for sabotaging my marriage for reasons known? but not yet felt.
This is where I see differences in you and I's situation Stig, my x said to me more then once, You broke me Blackfoot. That is really hard for me to say/revisit/admit/repeat. I wont say she was a great wife, cause it seems she lacked a little sticktoitivness, but when I was a good H, mmmmm. Damn. she was a woman. fer shur.

She is not without blame, I see it clearly with the help of our IM conversations just prior to the A, where I was quietly warning her, and she me also. anyways.... not usefull, Right Chromo? another sidebar, I was ready to quit here, I was so done, after my 3 day valentines, festivities, with this BB mostly because of my grief-- and I checked to see what was going on and Blamo Chromo drags me out of my funk unknowingly with his self esteem thread. that and some other comments that I cant remember now, that day after. so this place is good for me and because of that ya'll are stuck with me and my Un PC be a man rantings, still.

I see you reaching the anger part of your Seperation process. necessary and unavoidable.
so here is that quote from Nops that helped me with the anger, and maybe you can extract something from it also, to help you with your anger.

A life is what you make of it
Quote:


A life is what you make of it. You invest in it, you work at it, but there are no guarantees. Worse yet, you have
virtually no rights to anything. We have it so easy these days, that we fall off a cliff (if only this were a idiom for me ) assuming that there will
be someone waiting to catch us.

Ultimately, there isn't anyone to catch us when we fall. So, we commit ourselves to relationships of various types.
We basically promise to provide services to others as they promise to provide services to us. Love relationships
are actually aided by brain chemistry. We were made to have those types of protective relationships; it is built
into our basic survival mechanisms. Even so, love is still a choice.

When you or anyone, fails at providing the 'protective' services in a committed relationship, the partner suffers.
Their trust in you broken, and their backup plan shattered, they are shaken foundationally. This is what your wife
is suffering through. At least she knows that she can't trust you right now. She can find other ways to protect herself.

Confessing to your wife, however painful, at least let her know that she needed to take action to protect herself.
Your act of confession, not because it made you feel better, but because she needed to know, was an act of protection.
That protection is what you were supposed to be providing all along. Even though it was late, at least you cared enough
to tell her. It is likely that your honesty, though delayed, will speak the loudest to her while she learns to
understand what is happening.

Having said all that, your wife's part of the situation is in her contribution to the state of your marriage
pre-affair(s). That does NOT, in any way, justify your actions. You betrayed her trust. Period. You must hold
yourself accountable for those actions.

If you want to recover your marriage, you must learn the why of what you did, the anatomy of an affair,
and why it is wrong. I am not just talking morals here, I am talking about basic principles of survival.
Even if you end up married to someone else, you have to understand what you have done, so that you can
avoid the same mistakes in the future.




yes neither of us is the cheat, its out of context, maybe I should stick to extrapolating for myself. It rang for me though.

Im going to tell you Stig, I dont know if you have made a decision yet, or if your current actions are a decision.
But if you want your woman back, you have to go get her. You can let it happen organically, or you can know it will happen and have it happen organically... sooner. Hills premise of knowing something and making it happen apply here to. I proved that and then fudged it up.

I can point out a few WAwomen on this BB who would get back with their (x)H's, but they simply arent imbued with the right....... its not how it works. they are waiting on their (x)H.

I know I could still go get mine, but I made a decision, (I told her when she walked out second time, 'I wont do the mating dance with you a third time.' She looked at me like 'HUH??') and I dont change them when I have reasonble logical motivators. No matter what my heart(stupid brain chemistry) says.


Nops if you read this, if you know of any books to assist me in fixing my issue 1. that you posted to me before, why I played relational leap frog, I would appreciate it. Even if the focus is biological, rather then pysch focused. I have my own thoughts, but I would like some veracity.


enough for now, I gots to sleep before I get paid to play this morning.