The second chapter of the book Asserting Yourself" is entitled "Improving Your Self Esteem".
Without some level of personal esteem, it's nigh impossible to hit the right note when dealing with conflicts. The book asserts that there are three major obstacles - the negative image of yourself, the learned fear of conflict, and poor communication skills.
We can even experience mixed esteems. For instance, we internalize the standards of those people who had/have influence in our life and then describe ourselves within that standard. "I'm good at math, but stupid in people skills." We're already prepped from childhood with a reward/punishment system. So, we expect success (promotions, recognition, rewards) for our math skills and the commensurate amount of punishment (demotions, penalties, denouncement) on those areas where we deem ourselves unworthy.
Which explains why we can feel like such a success at work and wonder what happens to us when we get home, and can't figure why that sense of capability doesn't spread into the other unhappier situation.
The book notes that we compare ourselves with the significant other people in our lives and asks:
"Which people in your life do you feel are most important to you?"
"Which are least important?"
"How do you rate your power relative to the other person in each relationship?"
It then walks you through exercises that push you to define what "equal importance," "greater importance," and less importance.
I'm enjoying your thread and must tell you that I did not stop posting to you as some sort of action or reaction to you. (I'm just a spurt poster, post a lot and disappear.)
I knew that you were in an incredibly painful place and just hoped to point out those things that would keep you in that painful place and the wound forever bleeding. Although I may have made you angry (which was never my intent), you never lashed out in a personal offensive way with the intent to inflict pain. I personally think you are a kind, generous, big-hearted man who has managed and is managing to slowly peel away the baggage that a most difficult childhood saddled you with.
