Tom, what I am understanding from reading your thread here is that both you and your W have had As? Or did she just recently start speaking with her old BF after she found out about your A? It seems from what you have shared that your M has a power struggle going on between the two of you. Threats of moving out, D, and now the possibility of OM moving in to stay with you all? Have THE BOTH of you ever attended MC? I think joint counseling here as well as perhaps IC. Yes you may "love each other" but you also seem to both have no problem pushing each other's buttons in a very destructive way and now if OM moves in the children have a very good chance in being used as pawns in all this. You both are reaching out to each other through this struggle for something. You need to both find out what it is if you do want this to work out.
CLARIFYING POINT: I have moved out, at her request.
I didn't think she was cheating before, but now I am not so sure. As I stated, she went to see her old BF before we were pregnant with our 2nd child. I told her I did not approve and did not want her to go, but she went anyway with her friend, who I am just figuring out has been a cancer in our M all along. additionally, she would go out with friends and would come home 2-3 hours late without even a courtesy. I NEVER checked up on her or suspected her of anything despite that. Too trusting?
When she returned from visiting the ex BF, I was quiet and distant and she tried to connect with me and I told her I was upset and hurt by her actions. I asked her why she did that and her response was, "I don't know, it was a mistake." I let it go, and we moved on. Apparently she didn't.
When she found out about my A, she went to her friend and got ber ex BF's # and started the process again. When I found about her internet plans to hook up, I was again hurt. I approached her about this and she told me this time that she wanted, "to see if there was still a spark, and there is." My response was, and is, that our children are first and foremost in my mind and should be in hers also, but she was planning on having a strange man in our home and lying to our 5 year old about who he is.
We haven't even filed for divorce and she was rolling on without considering our children. She tells me she is done and there is NO hope for our reconciliation. She does not trust me and that is my fault, I know. I am crushed by what I did. Any advice on how to proceed?
She has since said that her e-mailing to her old BF was a mistake and should never have happended. She said people someimes do stupid things when they are hurt. I know I have. I have since told her that I understand her feelings about where we are headed and that I forgive her for this mistake. I told her that I will not bring it up to her again and that I hoped she was being truthful in telling me that she stopped interacting with her old BF. She says she is and I have no way of knowing if that is true, but if it's not, I can't do anything about it. She said she has ALWAYS been truthful with me, but she was lying about her interaction with her old BF. Hell, she was talking about getting married to him and having babies! I give myself relief though. It is what it is, and we are where we are. Not may people like to be truthful when they've done something they're not proud of. I know I don't.
I have since asked for her forgiveness and she has responded by telling me that she does not believe or trust; that we are finished. At this point, I am working on keeping my head up, holding things together, loving our children, fighting to stay strong, and keeping my heart open if she changes her mind. I am not hopeful though. I did have my A, and our M had troubles before. But our troubles were NO excuse to do what I chose to do. This hurts terribly. I am afraid of what the future holds for me and my family. I desperately want the opportunity to reconcile and make amends. I don't see that happening though.
You mentioned MC. We have been that route. I thought we had an excellent counselor, but my W didn't like her because we didn't get "things" to do to fix us NOW. I never really understood W's sentiments until I started reading DR. One other problem in our counseling sessions was my reluctance to say what I saw and felt were my problems with our M because I had been subjsected to threats of D and being forced to move away from our child. Counseling was not a "safe haven" to be gut level honest for me. But, this is where keeping my mouth shut has gotten me, unresolved problems which made me feel justified (at the time) to do the horrbile thing I did. I believe I am going to be paying for that disaster for the rest of my life.
In closing, I am searching for IC tomorrow. I need it badly. As far as MC, has anyone utilized Michelle's counseling? I am no longer afraid and/or reluctant to speak my mind at this point. I am on the verge of losing everything I value now anyway. Keeping quiet to keep the peace is not really a viable option anymore, is it? Should I broach that subject with my W at this point? We are only 2+ weeks into my confession, so.... Please let me know your thoughts.
