My W was driving back home today with our children after 5 days of being away and told me that we need to figure out how we are going to divvy up our childrens' time between the 2 of us. Although her thoughts and feelings were NOT unexpected, they still cut like a knife. She cut the conversation short and told me that she would call me later to discuss the sitch.
When we spoke later regarding who gets which days with our children, she told me that we will NOT be reconciling from my mistake. She told me she is no longer wearing her wedding ring and she says she does not consider herself married anymore. She also told me that my expressing my apology, my love for her and our family, and my hope for reconciliation only made her feel worse. She did, however, tell me she loves me probably more than anyone else in my life but she does not want to be married to me anymore.
In my own twisted way, her telling me that she loves me that much gives me hope despite her assertion that we are through. My mother told me that my W would go through a whole range of emotions and would say awful things. She also said get ready and be strong. Well, those times are here, ugh.
I told my W that she has made her feelings and belief about our future, or lack thereof, VERY clear. I only told her that I am NOT there with her. I asked her to do me a favor and think about a few questions over the next few days/weeks: 1. Have we done EVERYTHING we can do to reconcile, make this horrible sitch right and make our marriage work? 2. Have we exhausted ALL other options before deciding that D was the ONLY option? Of course she wanted to answer those questions right then because her hurt and anger are so raw and near the surface.
I told her that my truth is that I AM sorry and feel horrible for what I have done, that I love her, and that I believe we can and will reconcile and make our marriage stronger, more loving and more caring than it has ever been.
I think she thinks I am nuts and in denial. I am not. I am just NOT done fighting the good fight yet. It ain't over til it's over.
I could really use all of your support, positive thoughts, and prayers to mend me, my W, and my marriage. I have ordered several books (incluidng DB and DR) and will pour through them when they finally arrive. In the meantime, I need your support to build my strength and resolve to do what it takes to make positive obvious changes in me, to reconcile my M, make amends to my W, and to strive to make my M better than it has ever been.
Again, any thoughts, direction, encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
