I am brand new to this site, so please bear with me.
I recently had an affair and my spouse became aware of it and is crushed, angry, hurt, sad, and confused. I confessed my mistake to her two weeks ago and I have been staying at my sister's home while we figure this out, per her request.
The affair was hurtful and thoughtless. It was a one time mistake and was over long ago. It came to light because the OW did not keep quiet. The OW let LOTS of people know about my mistake, and that's how it became known to my wife, and everyone else for that matter.
I feel awful that I strayed and betrayed my wife and that I have hurt her so badly. I am afraid that my wife will think divorce is the ONLY available option to resolve this mess.
I am also devastated that I have jeopardized my ability to be with my family (we have a 5 yr old D and a 6 month old S), as before and quite possible damaged my marriage irreparably. My D does not understand why Daddy is not staying at home. That breaks my heart.
I understand that I am the only one to blame. I want so desperately to reconcile with my wife; to make amends; to be forgiven... but I am learning from reading various posts that this is all going to take TIME. I understand I need to be infinitely patient and allow her her space and time to feal, deal, and heal. I pray she looks at our options, and does not just focus in on the Big D.
Any encouragement, advice, prayers would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
First of all, you did a terrible thing, something that those of us on the other side of things consider one of the worst that can be done to someone. Now that you have realized your error in judgment, you can start to help yourself and maybe your marriage. The most important thing, and this is NOT always the case with WAS/cheaters is that you KNOW it was wrong, and it's over. You seem willing to do what it takes to mend what you have HELPED to break. That's the next thing. You did most of the damage, but there was already something going on in your M that also contributed to it's demise BEFORE the affair. There are very few cases where a spouse strays in a vacuum, or in other words, if the marriage was that good for both of you, then you would not have done what you did. THIS is why it takes time. Not only do you have to repair this wound, you will then need to make sure that you don't go back to the same marriage that led to one or both of you being unhappy. Right now, you begin to understand that you can't control her or make her forgive you. You can only start healing yourself and make yourself available to her when she decides it may be time to hear you again. I would also suggest the usual reading list: Surviving Infidelity and DB/DR. Those books should be read and understood asap. They can help you understand what your W is going through and give you some tools you can use to begin the process of building a NEW marriage. Realize that you ARE doing the right thing now. Patience is the key beyond accepting responsibility for what you've done. We are all human and you are just a lot more human than you'd like to be right now. Read the books, post here, and help you will find. There are others here who are in the same boat and they will help you find your way. Those of us who have been on the receiving end will also be able to give you insight as to what your W is going through. You have but to ask. I wish you well, and if nothing else, try to take care of yourself. You need to be strong right now.
I think you're on the right path. Most affairs do not result in a D, and you're starting with a penitent heart.
Some key no-nos for you are not to beg or whine, not to attempt to justify the affair or blame her, not to tell her you've changed (show her, but don't tell her), make your time and email and phone accountable to her so that she can check up on you in the future (you don't have a right to privacy from your spouse), and don't try to fight her if she does talk about getting a D.
I'm so sorry that you're here. Keep us posted on developments.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
By the way, what GH said about being one of the worst things is true. To give you a general idea of what you did to your W, counselors say that the emotional pain of betrayed spouses is generally greater than the emotional pain of rape victims.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
grasshopper, thank you for your time and thoughtfulness. I feel less lonely now and I also believe that I will understand much better what I have put my W through with everyone's help. This is all so new to her (and me). Please send your thoughts and prayers for our well-being and for my patience in allowing my W to grieve this horrible hurt.
RBinBR, thank you for your insights and guidance. I am praying that this does not end in the BIG D, but I understand that that is not my decision to make. Thank you also for helping me to better understanding the devastation that I have caused in someone I love through my wrecklessness. Please pray for my family to heal and move on together in a positive, loving, open, and strong way.
Tom, of course I'll pray for you. You are probably going to be very depressed for a while, not to mention scared of losing your W. This isn't going to be easy, but I think you stand a good chance of getting your W to reconcile if you are patient and kind.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Tom, I hope and pray that you and your wife will make it through your infidelity.
I myself am a very new member of this site. I discovered my husband was spending time with a co-worker last July, but at the time they were *just friends*. I then discovered in September that the friendship that I was assured was nothing, was in fact still going on... he was taking her to our vacation home while I was at work (he doesn't work a monday through friday job - he has rather odd shift work). I surprised the two of them one weekend last September,when they thought I was headed to visit my parents in another state, and instead drove to the vacation home.
Despite knowing how angry I was the first time, and how utterly devasted I was the second time, and repeated promises that it was over, it was nothing, he never had sex with her, this past Jan 30, I, by hidden camera, discovered that it was a full blown PA, and considering all of the crap they have put me through, have to believe that it was an affair of the heart as well and not just "friends with benefits".
You did not say how recent your affair was, but even if it was a while ago its new to your wife.
Do you have any clue as to what you've done besides betrayed her trust? You've absolutely destroyed her confidence in herself, I can tell you first hand she what is running through her mind because those same thoughts are running through mine..
Why wasn't I enough?
Whats wrong with me that you needed another woman?
Was she better at sex than I am?
Didn't you think of me at all when you were with her?
Did you talk about me with disdain?
Did you let her talk about me with disdain?
Did you feed her lies about me in order to bolster your A?
Is she more fun to be with than me?
How could you make love to me then get out of our bed and go to her?
Now, I will temper this with the fact that I truly truly truly had no issues in my marriage that I was aware of, no money problems, no emotional problems, no relationship problems, no sex problems, none! Other than the usual stressors to any marriage... kids, and even then, we have really great kids and H is an awesome and devoted father.
The point is, your wife is asking these questions, maybe not outloud, but they, and a million more just like them, are going through her head.
I can tell you that the primary difficulty that I am having right now surviving what my H has done is the fact that HE REFUSES to listen to me when I try to discuss how I feel, not to mention his refusal to answer any questions. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to go to a GYN and ask to be tested for STDs? I may have opted not if he had answered the question "did you use a condom".
Please, listen to her... hear her out... don't cut her off at the knees and get defensive. In my eyes, and in hers, You have no right to be defensive. The pressure that is building up in my chest right now is incredible and it gets worse and worse and worse because my H keeps getting defensive and shouting that I shouldn't dwell on it, and if I keep bringing it up he might as well just leave.
Thank you so much for taking your time in your own time of crisis. This news is less than two weeks old for her. The A has been over for a long time, but the wake of this bombshell has (quite possibly) destroyed my marriage/life.
I did a stupid, selfish, insensitive act. I am certainly paying for it now, as I should be. Unfortunately, my wife and children are paying for what I did also.
I will certainly listen when she finally decides to talk. I am hopeful that she will decide to talk/forgive and I am praying that we will give us the opportunity to reconcile and that I will have the chance to make amends for messing up so badly.
I am working to give her her space and time to feel, deal, and heal. Right now my focus is work and caring for our two beautiful children without making matters any worse for her. I do love her. THAT is what makes this all so difficult on me as well. I feel so stupid.
I vow that if she affords me the opportunity to reconcile and make amends I will work feverishly to insure that our marriage is NEVER again fertile grounds for this kind of mistake/trouble. I pray she will work with me to re-make our marriage much better.
In the meantime, I'll focus on our children, help her out in whatever way she allows, listen if she talks and read up on healing from infidelity and improving our marriage.
I could certainly use all of your prayers and positive thought sent my way. I hope for the best outcome from this sh*tty situation I have created. Thanks.
