Tom, I hope and pray that you and your wife will make it through your infidelity.
I myself am a very new member of this site. I discovered my husband was spending time with a co-worker last July, but at the time they were *just friends*. I then discovered in September that the friendship that I was assured was nothing, was in fact still going on... he was taking her to our vacation home while I was at work (he doesn't work a monday through friday job - he has rather odd shift work). I surprised the two of them one weekend last September,when they thought I was headed to visit my parents in another state, and instead drove to the vacation home.
Despite knowing how angry I was the first time, and how utterly devasted I was the second time, and repeated promises that it was over, it was nothing, he never had sex with her, this past Jan 30, I, by hidden camera, discovered that it was a full blown PA, and considering all of the crap they have put me through, have to believe that it was an affair of the heart as well and not just "friends with benefits".
You did not say how recent your affair was, but even if it was a while ago its new to your wife.
Do you have any clue as to what you've done besides betrayed her trust? You've absolutely destroyed her confidence in herself, I can tell you first hand she what is running through her mind because those same thoughts are running through mine..
Why wasn't I enough?
Whats wrong with me that you needed another woman?
Was she better at sex than I am?
Didn't you think of me at all when you were with her?
Did you talk about me with disdain?
Did you let her talk about me with disdain?
Did you feed her lies about me in order to bolster your A?
Is she more fun to be with than me?
How could you make love to me then get out of our bed and go to her?
Now, I will temper this with the fact that I truly truly truly had no issues in my marriage that I was aware of, no money problems, no emotional problems, no relationship problems, no sex problems, none! Other than the usual stressors to any marriage... kids, and even then, we have really great kids and H is an awesome and devoted father.
The point is, your wife is asking these questions, maybe not outloud, but they, and a million more just like them, are going through her head.
I can tell you that the primary difficulty that I am having right now surviving what my H has done is the fact that HE REFUSES to listen to me when I try to discuss how I feel, not to mention his refusal to answer any questions. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to go to a GYN and ask to be tested for STDs? I may have opted not if he had answered the question "did you use a condom".
Please, listen to her... hear her out... don't cut her off at the knees and get defensive. In my eyes, and in hers, You have no right to be defensive. The pressure that is building up in my chest right now is incredible and it gets worse and worse and worse because my H keeps getting defensive and shouting that I shouldn't dwell on it, and if I keep bringing it up he might as well just leave.
