It is an insane hour to be wide awake, but NG had a 2 am conference call with his Shanghai colleagues and a customer, so we decided to have a very early meal, get some sleep and start our day like shift workers It's a 180 for me, usualy I leave him to his business, but on a hunch I offered him company and he seems to be delighted and grateful. One of the benefits of my new life as a freelancer is that I can choose when and where I work
We left my last thread in the midst of a robust discussion on authentic and respectful communication. H2H picked up on the pattern of my struggle:
I've come to think that there's a Part 2 to DB'ing - that when you first read the book you learn to GAL, to focus on yourself, to change up what you do, and it often has the benefit of attracting the attention of the WAS. If you're lucky enough like Sage & Slowly to actually be here in Piecing, I think that's when the REALLY hard part begins. (And just when I thought my first months here were the hardest!)
But at some point, you need to learn new skills to be able to grow together. I think that both Slowly and I have felt the discomfort of not being completely honest. That is, we have the desire to talk about things with our spouses, but resist doing so in anticipation of their discomfort, which in turn activates our own discomfort button.
The part 2 to dbing is I think what is taking me by surprise. Michele makes reference in the books about 'when the time is right, open communications needs to occur'. For some, there is an event that marks the right time. For NG and I, we seem to have moved along to peace, and finding the right moment has been more tricky.
The other, more important element, is that I at least am changing. Like staying up with him tonight (this morning). Or wanting to actually distance myself, and detach, when he chooses to deal with his mum or siblings in a way that I do not agree with. (In the past I would have made it an issue, and therefore drove a wedge between us). Part 2 seems to be a genuinely evolving phenomenon.
For me it comes down to not being able to get from my H the openness and honesty I crave. In order to feel happy and secure I need more than he feels safe giving. One of us is going to have to compromise our needs. In the past that has always been me, as a result I am full of resentment towards H - even now.
Pink - this is I think where many of us start. NG and I had dinner with one of his workmates two nights ago, and they guy wanted my advice on how to interpret his wife's new found desire for more attention, more conversation. It was classic Mars/Venus, with this guy being right at the far end of the cave. It was educational for me. To ask for 'openness' would be daunting to them, apparently. However, to suggest 'when you have a frown on your face for more than an hour, just tell me about it so I feel part of your world' is apparently more do-able. Any hint of suspicion or insecurity has them running for the hills.
I rather suspect there is a cultural element here. The tendency to say less is what most of us in the UK have been brought up with Another element is the pace of change that we each can cope with. For dbers, we embraced change because it was a matter of survival. For the other party, the appetite for change may be nowhere as strong. More patience it seems is needed.
On the screen switching, I am now going to accept that this will continue to happen, and it could be for a number of reasons. What I have noticed is that NG is mightily interested when I shield my screen (usually when I am here lol). And certainly I have no intention of letting him in on this, so I think I can offer him the same privacy.
It's a 180 for me, usualy I leave him to his business, but on a hunch I offered him company and he seems to be delighted and grateful. One of the benefits of my new life as a freelancer is that I can choose when and where I work 
Slowly
