Hello everyone - I was hoping that with the end of full time work I would actually get to spend more time here, but my departure hit a few snags, and the ex-boss is being weird. It's been an emotionally exhausting week
Matilda - I feel the same way, when a regular poster is missing, it does cause some anxiety!
amd - there is a huge difference in being upfront. Most of it resides in my own confidence. Before, like you, I used to feel anxious about upsetting him. Now, those times when I am ready to be open, I have reconciled myself to upsetting him, I just try to be polite nevertheless. It takes courage, and energy. My self observation has definitely improved. Specific words are more centred around me instead of him. I find myself using self expressions like 'I feel' versus "you should not have'. Though, I still feel myself work in progress in this area
midip - I am so touched by your affirmation. It has been a hard habit to break, the old Slowly would have let a lot of insecurities hang out. I'll pop over and see how you are doing.
andy my fellow brit - is it cold enough fer ya? thank you kind sir, its always lovely to be appreciated.
Well, through my difficult negotiation with the ex-boss, I realised that perhaps the most important requirement for dbing is commitment. Through all the tough times, somehow we managed to stay on the course. After one day of my ex-boss's antics, I just walked away. The resolution to try and work things out was just not there. It was good for me to remember that dbing strated with a choice that I made, nothing else.
Accept one another?just as Christ accepted you? (Romans 15:7)
Admonish one another?with all wisdom? (Colossians 3:16)
Bear with each other? (Colossians 3:13)
Be at peace with each other. (Mark 9:50)
Be?compassionate to one another?(Ephesians 4:32)
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love? (Romans 12:10)
Be kind ?to one another? (Ephesians 4:32)
Be patient, bearing with one another in love. (Ephesians 4:2)
Build up each other? (I Thessalonians 5:11)
Carry each other?s burdens? (Galatians 6:2)
Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another? (I Peter 5:5)
Confess your sins to each other? (James 5:16)
Consider others better than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3)
Do not grumble against each other? (James 5:9)
Do not lie to each other? (Colossians 3:9)
Do not slander one another? (James 4:11)
Encourage each other? (I Thessalonians 4:18; 5:11; Hebrews 3:13; 10:25)
Forgive each other? (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13)
Greet one another? (Romans 16:16; I Corinthians 16:20; II Corinthians13:12; I Peter5:14)
Have equal concern for each other. (I Corinthians 12:25)
Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10)
Instruct one another.(Romans 15:14)
Live in harmony with one another?(Romans 12:16; I Peter 3:8)
Love one another?(John 13:34-35; 15:12, 17; Romans 13:8; I Thessalonians 4:9; I Peter 1:22; 4:8; I John 3:11, 23; 4:7, 11-12; II John 5)
Make your love increase and overflow for each other? (I Thessalonians 3:12)
Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. (I Peter 4:9)
Pray for each other? (James 5:16)
Serve one another? (Galatians 5:13)
Spur one another on toward love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24)
Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs? (Ephesians 5:19)
(Cease) biting and devouring each other? (Galatians 5:15)
Stop passing judgment on one another? (Romans 14:13)
(Cease) provoking and envying each other. (Galatians 5:26)
Submit to one another? (Ephesians 5:21)
Teach ?one another? (Colossians 3:16)
Use whatever gift ?received to serve others? (I Peter 4:10)
Wash one another?s feet. (John 13:14)
Wait for each other. (I Corinthians 11:33)
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God." - Matthew 5:9
"Integrity is one of several paths. It distinguishes itself from the others because it is the right path and the only one upon which you will never get lost." - M.H. McKee
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive." - Eleonora Duse
"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain
"Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light." - Helen Keller
"This is courage… to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles
"We must not only give what we have; we must also give what we are." - Desire-Joseph Mercier
"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love." - Mother Teresa
"Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on, Hold fast, Hold out. Patience is genius." - Comte Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon
"The great thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in what direction we are moving." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"A single grateful thought raised to heaven is the most perfect prayer." - Gotthold Ephraim Lessing
"Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right." - Ezra Taft Benson
"Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is again made clean." - Dag Hammarskjold
"We must come to see that peace is not merely a distant goal we seek, but it is a means by which we arrive at that goal. We must pursue peaceful ends through peaceful means." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
It is an insane hour to be wide awake, but NG had a 2 am conference call with his Shanghai colleagues and a customer, so we decided to have a very early meal, get some sleep and start our day like shift workers It's a 180 for me, usualy I leave him to his business, but on a hunch I offered him company and he seems to be delighted and grateful. One of the benefits of my new life as a freelancer is that I can choose when and where I work
We left my last thread in the midst of a robust discussion on authentic and respectful communication. H2H picked up on the pattern of my struggle:
I've come to think that there's a Part 2 to DB'ing - that when you first read the book you learn to GAL, to focus on yourself, to change up what you do, and it often has the benefit of attracting the attention of the WAS. If you're lucky enough like Sage & Slowly to actually be here in Piecing, I think that's when the REALLY hard part begins. (And just when I thought my first months here were the hardest!)
But at some point, you need to learn new skills to be able to grow together. I think that both Slowly and I have felt the discomfort of not being completely honest. That is, we have the desire to talk about things with our spouses, but resist doing so in anticipation of their discomfort, which in turn activates our own discomfort button.
The part 2 to dbing is I think what is taking me by surprise. Michele makes reference in the books about 'when the time is right, open communications needs to occur'. For some, there is an event that marks the right time. For NG and I, we seem to have moved along to peace, and finding the right moment has been more tricky.
The other, more important element, is that I at least am changing. Like staying up with him tonight (this morning). Or wanting to actually distance myself, and detach, when he chooses to deal with his mum or siblings in a way that I do not agree with. (In the past I would have made it an issue, and therefore drove a wedge between us). Part 2 seems to be a genuinely evolving phenomenon.
For me it comes down to not being able to get from my H the openness and honesty I crave. In order to feel happy and secure I need more than he feels safe giving. One of us is going to have to compromise our needs. In the past that has always been me, as a result I am full of resentment towards H - even now.
Pink - this is I think where many of us start. NG and I had dinner with one of his workmates two nights ago, and they guy wanted my advice on how to interpret his wife's new found desire for more attention, more conversation. It was classic Mars/Venus, with this guy being right at the far end of the cave. It was educational for me. To ask for 'openness' would be daunting to them, apparently. However, to suggest 'when you have a frown on your face for more than an hour, just tell me about it so I feel part of your world' is apparently more do-able. Any hint of suspicion or insecurity has them running for the hills.
I rather suspect there is a cultural element here. The tendency to say less is what most of us in the UK have been brought up with Another element is the pace of change that we each can cope with. For dbers, we embraced change because it was a matter of survival. For the other party, the appetite for change may be nowhere as strong. More patience it seems is needed.
On the screen switching, I am now going to accept that this will continue to happen, and it could be for a number of reasons. What I have noticed is that NG is mightily interested when I shield my screen (usually when I am here lol). And certainly I have no intention of letting him in on this, so I think I can offer him the same privacy.
What a fantastic 180 for you! I bet he does appreciate it.
Your comments on communication are very revealing. I appreciate your insights on this. If/ when I get to piecing, I have a lot of tools now from your experiences. Keep it coming!
I don't mind the cold it's the wet I don't like. Looks like winter isn't quite over yet though doesn't it? Not sure if you saw any snow down you're way.
Slowly- This website is helping me when I feel lost. Look at the following
1. Every day read and digest “Charlyne Cares” daily devotionals for standers.
2. Every day listen to “God Heals Hurting Marriages.”
3. Each week, take your Bible and study with my wife in “Fight For Your Marriage.” Mark your scriptures and take notes in a journal.
4. Make use of the thousands of web pages available from http://rejoiceministries.org . Search for help on that site for issues giving you a problem.
5. Spend time with God in personal and private prayer and Bible reading every day.
6. Stop listening to the world’s ways of solving your problems; Listen to God alone
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
thank you kind sir, its always lovely to be appreciated. 
Slowly
It's a 180 for me, usualy I leave him to his business, but on a hunch I offered him company and he seems to be delighted and grateful. One of the benefits of my new life as a freelancer is that I can choose when and where I work 
