Hi Martha - Glad you popped by. I am feeling so out of touch with everyone, part of my day off today will be joyfully spent catching up here. I missed you all
H2H, reading your post just before heading to bed meant I was ruminating over it even in my sleep
I think that both Slowly and I have felt the discomfort of not being completely honest. That is, we have the desire to talk about things with our spouses, but resist doing so in anticipation of their discomfort, which in turn activates our own discomfort button.
But in my own situation, I have been feeling discomfort for quite a long time. And along side that a pretty big FEAR of not rocking the boat. But the net result of not opening up and telling him how I feel is that it leaves me still sitting in discomfort, and adding a bit of resentment, frustration and sometimes anger too.
I have to say I did not expect my philosophy lessons to come in handy so quickly in real life There is much to be said about how we are conditioned to see developments in our life. I am reminded of an exchange between one of my friends and her dad, who works in the Foreign Office. We were teenagers and rather prone to wear our feelings on our sleeves. She was refusing to back down from a tiff with her mum, and her Dad quietly pointed out that what she may refer to as 'sugar-coating' was in his work life the art of diplomacy. It took her till she was in her thirties to be able to sit and have a completely honest conversation with her mum. Turns out her Dad was right in steering her in the direction he did; he understood her mum's limitations (and loved her nevertheless). Sandy's mum finally matured, and is a gracious lady, but she certainly had problems. In a strange way, I see NG as a wonderful guy, who has some issues, that he is prefering to work on his own, at his own pace.
When I reflect on my growing comfort with not letting it all hang out, a big part of it has to do with what I now see are the love languages of the people around me. Take NG for example, he is a big quality time guy. Being validated to him is not the words, but the actions that express empathy. When he gets off the phone with his mum, and it is a difficult chat, he feels comforted when I just sit there with him, maybe hold his hands. Any questions, or expressing my feelings that he is 'holding out' on me, would feel like further being ravaged. Let me tell you, I used to feel hurt that he was not sharing part of his life with me, and was quite vocal about it too
Likewise, NG may suspect that all's not well with me, but the fact that I do not 'force' my feelings on him is to him an important expression of love. By verbalizing them, in his eyes, I am reducing his options, because once it is in the open, to say or do nothing will itself be a statement. This may sound convoluted, and I can see Bets going 'when do Slowly and NG sit down and really talk about what's under foot?". And in all honesty, it could be later today, or 10 years from now. Because for us, there are so many, many things that are going so well, that as an overall package, it is good.
Do I feel frustrated? Yes, sometimes, and I am learning to manage that. Not by suppressing my feelings, but by broadening my perspective and understanding why certain things are difficult for NG. He sees me as someone he has chosen, twice, to spend his life with. This is huge for him. He needs to know that he alone, the way he is, is enough for me. To even suggest that there might be growth, will be an implicit criticism.
Do I feel hurt and insecure about the R? Sometimes. But I have also come to realise that more (not all) of this is rooted in issues that I alone own. And I need to work on those before I can ask NG to work on his, if I ever do. After posting here last week about feeling upset over the screen flip, it dawned on me that I was reacting, and not staying my course.
And knowing that there are some things we do not share, I still feel unambiguously that NG is the one I want to spend my life with. Because he makes me happy in so many other ways. Because I know that every month our relationship evolves, towards something that is better for us both. So in our lives, there are three things that are changing - me, him, and the R. He may not change as visibly, or by as much, but it is enough.
There is much to be said about how we are conditioned to see developments in our life. I am reminded of an exchange between one of my friends and her dad, who works in the Foreign Office. We were teenagers and rather prone to wear our feelings on our sleeves. She was refusing to back down from a tiff with her mum, and her Dad quietly pointed out that what she may refer to as 'sugar-coating' was in his work life the art of diplomacy. It took her till she was in her thirties to be able to sit and have a completely honest conversation with her mum. Turns out her Dad was right in steering her in the direction he did; he understood her mum's limitations (and loved her nevertheless). Sandy's mum finally matured, and is a gracious lady, but she certainly had problems. In a strange way, I see NG as a wonderful guy, who has some issues, that he is prefering to work on his own, at his own pace. 
Slowly
