Hi Beingme - Yes they sometimes do indeed. Providing our expectations are pitched at a level that gives them room to 'delight' us. Over the course of the past 2 years, perhaps my biggest self-discovery is that my expectations can run away with themselves - of myself, of NG, of everything and everyone around me. I missed enjoying so many wonderful things in my past simply because I was expecting something more Learning how to manage my own expectations has been the biggest gift I gave myself

We have just come back from dinner with NG's work acquaintances. He was asked to stand in for his boss at the 11th hour and without hesitation asked me to accompany him - which I was delighted to do. I have to confess at the back of my mind was a small lurking concern that ow might be there, but thankfully she was not

And now to continue the discussion from last week, Bets, you had created quite a stir back there!


Own your feelings, speak with passion, don't control the outcome and seek solutions in the form of compromise. I swear to you both that when I do this, 100% of the time, I'm pleasantly rewarded. This works splendidly with my XH... and I know he appreciates the fact that I can tell him how I feel without pointing fingers.


Betsey, its taking me a while to work through your wonderful bag of tricks. Your summation is right on - here is the rub - I don't think I'm anywhere near unravelling my own feelings. My reluctatnce to speak with passion is rooted in observing my perspective change as I spend more time peeling the layers off. Take for instance the definition of intimacy.

Before the affair, my definition of an intimate relationship would include emotional and physical love, respect, sharing thoughts, values, friends and assets, or something as broad and deep as one can conceive. Nowhere was there room for me as an individual. I think sometimes this is referred to as 'fused'?

Today, I'm still working through the differences in how I really feel. I'm actually enjoying not sharing all of myself with the one person, if for no other reason than it makes for a more intesting time together when part of me remains a mystery. I am also enjoying pondering myself in the privacy of my own head and heart. Likewise, I'm not sure I want to know NG's every thought, I like having the option, and challenge, of unveiling. Given the flux that I see myself in, and one by the way that I am enjoying, I must take my immediate feelings as transitory. To speak of them with passion may be premature.

However, on matters that I am sure about, I have to confess to similar results as the 100% good stuff you have seen. Last Saturday, on our way to a party, I casually mentioned that I wanted to have a slow dance with him. And then changed the subject. Y'know, 20 minutes into us on the floor, he takes me in his arms and the music changes, turns out he had arranged it with the DJ and we had a wonderful time.


You have noticed a pattern of him "not being able to take" more than 5 min chunks. I think if you reframe what it is you need, you'd disover that you're owning his stuff... because he runs or reacts in a way that you don't know if you like, it makes YOU uncomfortable.


OK you got me, I am owning his reaction. However, I feel to some extent this is necessary because my ultimate goal is to be happy, and have a harmonious relationship with NG. If he is out of sorts, it directly impacts both my goals. IF he was on a journey that is similar to dbing, it would be possible to apply growth enabling approaches. I think it was Ellie who said somewhere that at some point we have to see our partners as they are, and accept that along with many wonderful qualities, they also come with some limitations. NG's no-way-no-how area, at least to date, is having to deal with anyone who is unhappy as a result of his actions or choices. I suspect it is rooted in a childhood of constant disapproval. So until I see that he is ready to handle 'the truth' I will continue to drip feed, because so far, it seems to be working. In an ideal world, certainly I would like to get it all off my chest But pausing to reflect is doing me personally a world of good, despite my occassional moments of wigging out

'Tis getting late here, there are many more wonderful comments from the previous thread that I'd like to ruminate over. Tomorrow should be soon enough Slowly

A Liberal Allowance of Time