Pennies in the Fountain of Serenity

[hopefloats7]

I think it is possible that spending so much time around o.w.'s daughter, coupled with her telling him that she was pregnant at one point may have stirred up feelings in him that he had not felt before.
He has said to me on more than one occasion:
"When she (child) sees me, she runs up to me, tells me she loves me and gives me a hug. When someone does that it makes you feel really good."
I am sure that it does, but when our little niece would act that way with him, he didn't seem to respond to her the way he has with o.w.'s child.
He has told me he wants his own children. I would love that, too, but right now I'm not even thinking about adding a child to this mess; that would have to come down the road.

[hopefloats7]

hellkat,

I'm afraid you are right. And it's at the expense of this little girl's feelings. I think my H. is using the bond with her to make himself feel better; she does not know her real father and o.w. claims my H. is the only man she has ever really known well. So he feels like he is filling a void in her life.

[lmdi99]

Hey hope-
Just checking in with you...didn't want you to think i forgot about you...i've just been so caught up in my own sitch.

I don't know what to tell you, except that you sounded really good when you came back from visiting your family. Try not to let your H's confusion send you into a backslide (yes, i know, easier said than done). But, i do think that you are getting to a better place and i don't want to see you go backwards.

Thank you so much for your support on my thread.

And btw - as someone who used to tan (both in the sun and in a tanning bed), and then got skin cancer, i have to tell you to be careful!

[hopefloats7]

Imdi,
Thank you. Believe me, I’m doing my best not to backslide, but it’s so hard. I’ll tell you something that you might find very weird. When I left to go see my family a week ago I had had that interaction/argument with H. and the last thing I asked him as he left our house was, “Are we going to sit down and talk about mediating?” The look on his face was terror, but he nodded in agreement and left.
I spent 3 days very upset but convincing myself that he had reached the point that he wanted this to be over, and I needed to accept it. When I got back, I felt ready to face it. But then he backtracked on it and if you’ve read my long posts from last weekend, you know how he dropped lines at me like, “I’m not ready to come back home yet.”
And so now I’m in limbo again, I guess? My choice, yes, because I could end this, too. But that’s not why I’m here.
My point is that it’s frustrating. If we can possibly save our marriage, yes, I want to stand for it right now, but it’s excruciating. I have tried to pick up some alternative things to occupy my time and help me improve myself so that either way, I’ll be ok.

Re: the tanning, yikes. I am not planning to go that often, but that is scary! I don’t even remember reading any kind of warning about the beds causing skin cancer.

[SweetRedd]

Hi Hope I still keep up with your sitch and say prayers for you and your H. I rarely have anything worthy to post, but I'll take a shot on the tanning subject. I used to go to the tanning bed, but it makes me freckly so I started using a self tanner. The one that I found that is inexpensive, doesnt look fake, streak and gets darker gradually is Coppertone (light/medium) Oil Free self tanner. I just bought some to get that spring look started myself.. no freckles and no cancer worries.

Hang in there. You're still handling the rollercoaster well, but I can tell it wears on you. Do something nice for you... working on your Master's Degree should keep your mind off of things. I have to agree your H is in MLC and will probably come out reaching for you. It just takes so LONG for them to realize what life is about and what they want!

Sheila

[hellkat]

Re: the tanning, yikes. I am not planning to go that often, but that is scary! I don’t even remember reading any kind of warning about the beds causing skin cancer.

my dermetologist said they are worse then the sun - guess I could always opt for the spray paint tan lol~

I spent 3 days very upset but convincing myself that he had reached the point that he wanted this to be over, and I needed to accept it. When I got back, I felt ready to face it. But then he backtracked on it

for the 2yrs I've been at this mine has ALWAYS back-tracked when it came down to the D - he would drop the same hints, not ready, not sure, no reason to hurry..........so it does leave us in limbo which is very frustrating because we know the M has so much potential.....if we could only convince them of that!

[hopefloats7]

Hi Sheila!

So nice of you to post; please keep in touch more often!

thank you for the tanning advice. I appreciate that. I don't want to put my health at risk.

thanks for your opinion about my H., too. It helps to know that there is "something" (MLC) going on with him that is a real issue, something that I can try to understand and learn more about. I know I can't help him, but I can try my best to understand him and what to expect along the path.

H. is pulling back again; I haven't heard from him since Mon. night. I'm hoping just leaving him alone right now is best, although I wanted to see how he's been feeling this week (he was sick).

Yes, this sure does take a toll on a person. I'd like to come out of this with my marriage intact but I no longer pin any hope on that. I just don't know what will happen but I have been getting a lot of advice in the MLC forum and a lot of folks there see positives for me.

Thanks again.

[lmdi99]

Hey hope-
Just checking in with you this morning.

[hopefloats7]

Imdi, thanks for checking on me.

I’m having a bad day, I guess. This is wearing on me. I’m not doing well with detaching today.

I’ve been thinking a lot about H’s different explanations regarding him and o.w., and the whole pregnancy thing. Long story short, he’s contradicted himself so much that this doesn’t add up. I know there are things he is lying about and keeping from me. I want to know the truth, but then again I don’t want to push him away. As his legal spouse I feel that I should know what is going on. With him still keeping in touch with o.w. a part of me wonders if she did miscarry; maybe she is still pregnant? Or maybe she never really was…I don’t know but this whole thing doesn’t make sense. H. first said she was pregnant in the late summer. Now his latest story is that she got pregnant in late winter and miscarried in Jan. It can’t be both. Something isn’t right

He hadn’t called since Mon. night. I called him a few times this morning; he did finally answer and sounded fine. I asked how he was feeling, and he said ok. When I mentioned it had been several days since we’d last spoken he seemed surprised that it’d been 4 days. He was running an errand and said he’d call me later, but he asked how puppy was doing (didn’t ask how I am though).

I just want to know what’s really going on with him, o.w., and whatever real pregnancy there was.

[Again!]

hope
been thinking about you today. particulary about your H speaking to OW on the phone infront of you.
I faced this. it is simple, it is tacky and wrong and he should know better. Telling him that will do you no good. You have everyright to be hurt and uncomfortable with that. Telling him that will do you no good.
It's a boundary for you, one which you are entilted to. Simply tell him that you do not appreciate him taking calls from her while with you. If he chooses to do that either don't come around or tell OW when not to call.
My H didn't handle it well, told me that he answers calls from me when he is with her (idiot-- I am his W and we have kids, yet this was a justification????) I didn't respond to the excuse/comparision. The calls stopped. He doesn't get many calls from her when weare together, presumably b/c she knows when I am around, but when his cell rings he doesn't always answer. He does answer some calls so I am pretty sure who the calls are from which go unanswered. And I am fine with that.