Yesterday when I got home from work, I noticed H. had stopped by to pick up what he needed. Something else that I noticed: he cooked for himself at our house and made lunch. He left things out in the kitchen so it was obvious to me that he’d helped himself to eat there. This is not typical behavior from him and I don’t know if it means anything; is he beginning to feel more comfortable at our house?
H. did not call me yesterday, and I did not see him when he stopped by, as I was at work. Maybe he’s withdrawing again. I have reservations about believing he fully broke up with o.w. and I’m asking myself why he would try so hard to convince me it was over with her if it really isn’t? It’s not like I don’t know he’s been seeing her all this time. A part of me thinks he is being honest about it not working out with her, but I know he is still in contact with her, so that doesn’t constitute “being over” in my book.
Meanwhile, I am working more on GAL. I went tanning yesterday; it was fun. I’m doing a lot of research into getting my Master’s degree. I may do it partially online, so that if this doesn’t work out w/H. it will be easy for me to continue school when I move. And I think it would be wise for me to still fill out the apt. application for a place near my family. I don’t want to be unprepared.
I have received so many supportive posts here and I know others see hope in my situation, despite how bleak it has looked at times. I admit that it is very hard for me to feel hopeful when I still have so many doubts about what H. is doing and thinking. I think my problem is that I feel strong enough to physically get on with my life, but emotionally I am still in limbo.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
