Ok. Where to start? Well, he called me a few times last night; I didn't pick up. I should have; H. was sick at the hospital and needed me. I didn't find this out until this morning when he called me again. Long story short, he is ok, but I really wish I had picked up.
So we had a lengthy conversation on the phone this morning. I'll skip the small talk issues, because although he was being friendly and pleasant with me, we did actually touch upon the reality of what we're going to do from here. H. is back to saying he does not want to sell the house. He really wants me to stay here and live in it.
He ended up coming by for quite a while today. We went out, did errands, and he took me out to lunch. All the while, very friendly, being funny together, and it was great. I noticed his cell phone was not ringing off his belt like normally. He commented on how I looked; said I looked great and he loved my hair (I had worn it differently today).
We came back to the house and without going into great detail I'll just say that we began talking about his R. with o.w. He was the one who offered up that info. Once he gets talking about this, he goes on and on. I just listened quietly and tried not to ask questions that would seem too invading. He said to me, "That is over. I got rid of that R. I'm not going to be with someone who treats me like sh*t." Well, we got to talking about o.w. and the little girl, and H. told me how sorry he felt for her, how she is innocent in this, o.w. doesn't have a lot of money so the little girl is in need of clothes, toys, etc. and he loves her like she is his own but he is not her father and he can't pretend to be. I can see he clearly felt like at one point he was going to save her. There was a lot more he told me about o.w. and her job, and things that have happened; none of it matters here except to say that I could tell he NEEDED to talk about it, so I listened. If he feels comfortable sharing, then I am all for being there.
He told me that he is not in a R. with anyone right now, and he needs to be alone. [Shocked, when you post, I know you're going to jump on this issue. Seems he's coming out of replay, doesn't it?] He said that when he left here he did need o.w. to get through his problems emotionally and mentally, but it's been 7 mo. now and he doesn't need that anymore. He said it isn't what he wants, that it wasn't going to work out, too many differences, etc. He admitted there was a time when he did believe he would end up with her long term, but he knows that isn't the case now.
He told me that he isn't ready to come back home right now. He went on to explain that he felt we were in a unique position, both young, we don't have kids together yet (yes, he said "yet") so there is no worry that they would be emotionally harmed by us not being together right now. He said that we needed to take a break. I said, "Haven't we been doing that?" He said yes, but he is not ready to come home right now. He kept on wording it that way, adding the "right now" each time. He said he is not looking to live with anyone else or get married to anyone, but he isn't ruling out that he might go out with other women. He wants us to be friends (with potential, which I will explain) and as he said, "Who knows, 6 mo. down the road things could be very different for us."
He remarked on finding someone more like him, who likes the things he likes, etc. I commented that sure, he might find someone who likes to go running but then there would always be something else that he would find a problem with. He said, "Well, then I need to figure that out on my own."
He said that he had too much to lose. That he was not ready to give everything up (he meant our life together, our home, our marriage, etc.). This is why he wants me to stay in the house. He talked to me about how o.w. was of a different culture, and although this was an experience for him, it wasn't what he really wanted.
He said that if he comes back home it will be for good. I asked him, then, what I could be doing to improve the chances that we might work things out. I was too curious not to ask this; I had to hear what he would say. He told me that he hoped I would take care of myself, be healthy, and date other people. I laughed. I said, "You lost me. How is dating other people going to help us?" He explained to me that right now while we're on "a break" it was the perfect opportunity to do this for both of us, and he was afraid if I didn't go out with other people and then he came back, I might end up being the one to leave HIM a few years down the line. He does not want that. He wants to be sure that if he comes back that I am sure I want to be with him. I said nothing in regards to this, because it was a valid point and I wasn't going to throw myself at him, promising him that he was truly the one I wanted, etc. That wouldn't help.
The most important thing he said to me was this: "I have to be happy with myself, being alone, before I can be back in a relationship and be happy with that." I nearly fell off the chair. I smiled at him and told him I was very happy to hear him say this.
He was very affectionate. Very. I won't go into great detail but it was nice. And for once, I did not hear remarks like, "I feel very uncomfortable here." H. took puppy with him for the night, and said to me, "I'm tired of spending my weekend time with 'other people'. I just want to be alone with my dog."
I know I haven't posted every last thing that was spoken between us, but I can say that I do believe his R. with o.w. is definitely on it's way down the drain (it may not be entirely over just yet; he admitted wanting to keep in touch in regards to the little girl for a while). I think H. is thinking more and more about coming back but he recognizes he is not ready yet and made sure that whatever he and I decide to do during this time apart, that it wouldn't be confusing to me or send me the wrong message. I told him that I didn't look at him as my husband anymore; that I looked at him as a man I found interesting, attractive and liked spending time with, and that he would not feel any pressure from me in regards to coming back home.
He told me he would do everything he could financially to help me afford to stay here in the house. If I decide to stay here I will have to figure out a way to be able to contribute more to the mortgage, and that may mean changing jobs. But considering that I was thinking I would be quitting anyway, and leaving here, it really isn't that much of a difference.
I have a lot to consider once again. Spending so much time with H. today and having it be as nice and comfortable as it was really made me want to believe that we can be together again someday. I see that I need to work on taking care of myself, figuring out my own career path and trying to keep things on a friendship level with H. until he feels ready to go further, if that happens.
Not to worry; I really am ok right now, despite all that went on today. He asked me to go to the gym with him this week, if I wanted to, and I said I would like to go. I was glad he asked; if he follows through on it I will be impressed.
Going to enjoy a glass of wine later and give this some thought.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
It sounds like your husband has done some soul-searching and reached at least a couple of honest conclusions about himself and your relationship. This is a very good thing Hope. So the only question I see is this: Are you prepared to wait for him? I think you probably are and if you do it with the same grace and love that you have so far, then I'd bet you are going to have everything you want. Just keep your eyes open. As long as he is being completely honest and above-board, what is there to lose if you wait a little while? You could have EVERYTHING to gain.
You don't have to take him up on his request that you date others. But he doesn't have to know if you haven't.... I'm inclined to think that would not be a good idea but that is of course, your call.
It is a good thing that your husband is looking inward and recognizing some of the real issues.
I guess I see it more like getting myself on a better path while remaining here (in my house instead of selling it) and trying to renew my R. slowly with H. I don't want to use the words "waiting for him" because it implies that I'm sitting around doing zilch and hoping he comes back home. I recognize that he might not. But I would say that I do feel the likelihood is a little bit better than it was say a month ago, when he and o.w. were considering moving in together. [I am thankful it never happened.]
I figure one of two things can happen. He might come back eventually, and I hope to be in a much better place emotionally and mentally by then. This is what I need to work on. Or, he might find someone he feels is better suited for him, and begin a R. with this person and want a D. from me. If that happens, then I took a chance but I hope to still have improved myself for my own benefit. If at that point we do have to sell the house and I have to leave here, well, then that will be the time I have to face it. But maybe I can hope for the best and put off the idea of moving for now, since he seems to want to financially help me stay. Is "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" a proper phrase to use here? Possibly.
Regarding the dating issue. I am not going to pursue that avenue, but like you said, H. doesn't have to know that. In fact when he suggested it, I told him, "It's not like I haven't been asked." I wanted him to know that yes, other people actually DO find me interesting, and perhaps I won't always be a sure thing for him. He shouldn't be so sure of this. But I'm not playing games either, and I wouldn't lie about it. I know how to make him a little curious without actually lying.
I was thrilled that H. seemed to get the fact that he has to be happy within himself first, before he can be back in a R. Even if he never comes back home, at least he is finally getting it. I know he still has issues with his job that he is not happy with, and I feel badly that nothing has really panned out in this area to help him feel better about things, but this is something he's going to have to handle without my help. All I can do is wish him the best.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: I don't want to use the words "waiting for him" because it implies that I'm sitting around doing zilch and hoping he comes back home. I recognize that he might not.
I didn't mean to imply you would be "sitting around doing zilch". No way. You do have to remain on the road to healing and you can't stop dead in your tracks every time he throws a little hope in your direction. I thought you had mentioned maybe leaving the area. That's what I meant by "wait". That you would stay a while longer.
Yes, you're right, I had thought about leaving the area, but given the recent discussions we've had I seriously might change my mind about this. In the end, either he'll decide he wants a D. and I can deal with moving at that point, or, he will come back and we can have a fresh start. Thanks for your posts!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Wow, Hope. I am so happy to hear that your situation has taken such a positive turn. Just more proof that no matter how hopeless something may feel one day, anything is possible. I would love nothing more than for my H to start showing such signs of growing up - even if we ended up apart, I would still feel much better about it if he were to start being truthful to himself and maybe even to me, and I am sure you feel the same way. Good luck with everything, and stay focused on the positive!!
Scarey how are threads seem to follow the same time-line, isn't it. Yeah, right now I really need help. I have been praying and praying, but nothing seems to be coming to me. I feel so inadequat in that regard, I think that its all the negative thoughs that are consuming me right now. HELP
This does sound very encouraging, but if he is in Mid Life, it may just be a walk outside the tunnel to see how the weather is. I am not trying to discourage you, but he might walk back in and to the other woman again, or to someone else. Keep yourself steely, and don't let your guard down. The MLCer can have several affairs in replay.
Hope, I say this to ground you. This certainly looks good, but you don't want to start doing the wrong thing and make him run away farther. Prayers that this is him coming out of it. I certainly hope it is.
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My current Thread
2nd Time: Learning IV
iwb61@verizon.net
Hope- I am so happy to hear that your H may be realizing the error of his ways, and coming to terms with the issues behind his behaviors. Think about how you felt when you came back from your visit with your family, before this interaction with your H. That is how you have to continue to act until he makes a commitment to you. He has dangled the carrot in front of you...don't be too eager to grab it. Try to stay detached. Its a delicate balance. But, i think you can do it. Don't push for too much right now...just take what he is giving you.
Yesterday, not a word from him all day. If he was just hanging out alone w/puppy, I know that he would have called. Plus, he was supposed to bring puppy back yesterday. Around 9pm I finally called him; he was clearly not able to talk freely and said he would bring puppy back in the morning. He practically hung up on me. I knew o.w. was there.
I called him back at 11pm. I was not happy that he wasn’t bringing puppy back; that was NOT the arrangement. I told him that if he “had company” over, he could just say so. He admitted o.w. had been over for a while, and he said, “I had unwanted company.” I asked him what he meant; he said he had wanted to go see his family today but she came by to talk about some “unresolved issues”.
Well, as we were talking (on his house line), his cell rang, and he asked me to hold on. I could hear him speaking w/o.w. and she was calling because her little girl was upset and wanted to speak to H. It was 11pm. She (o.w.) had just gotten home from seeing H. I think she purposely woke up her daughter who is 3 years old and most likely asleep at that hour in order to play on H’s emotions. H. got on the phone with the little girl and was being so sweet and affectionate towards her. Then he got back on with o.w. and I heard him say, “We’ll just take it easy.” They said good night. He came back on the phone with me.
I said sarcastically that I was glad I got to hear all that. I said that it didn’t seem that things were really over and if he was that involved with this child’s life that she has to call him every night before bed, maybe he ought to go be in their lives. He said that wasn’t the case; that he was not with o.w. anymore, but he was not going to hurt this little girl when he is all that she knows. (Her father is not in her life). He said his R. with o.w. was impossible, that it wasn’t going to work and they had mutually decided this. He said, “Well, I’m sure you’re happy. I’m sure you’re glad it’s over.” I said no, that it didn’t mean that he was coming back, and one had nothing to do with the other.
He said that he hadn’t seen the little girl in over a week and wasn’t talking to her as often; it sounded like he was trying to taper it off slowly. He said, “What do you want me to do? Just stop talking to her when she is innocent in all this?”
I told him that o.w. is clearly a needy, desperate person. I told him that I was not denying that he cared about her daughter but not to think for one moment that o.w. didn’t recognize his feelings and was using her child in order to keep a tie with him. I told him she would not be the first woman in the world to do that. I told him that it was disturbing to see her manipulating the situation and using her child in all this. He said, “Well, you have the woman’s point of view.” I think it bothers him to think o.w. would do this when he genuinely cares for this child.
I asked H. if she had met his family. He said, “No. That’s part of the problem.” I asked him how so; he said, “Well, I won’t introduce her to my family, and that’s a problem.” He also said that this affected everything that they did, which is why it’s impossible.
Then, his cell rang again, and it was o.w. again. He asked me to hold on and I could hear him speaking with her. He said, “Well, you can call me anytime for that.” He was being very nice to her, told her to have a good night, take care, etc. He came back on the line with me, and said he was going to need to put his cell phone away.
He said she was calling to apologize that she’d had to call before about her child. I told him by telling her she can call him anytime regarding the child was only making matters worse and not to think she wouldn’t take him up on that. I pointed out again that she was obviously using this all to her benefit. He didn’t disagree with me. I said, “What are you going to do about her stopping by? She knows where you are living.” He said he didn’t want to be rude to her when she came over yesterday, even though she was “unwanted company”.
We ended our call cordially and he did bring puppy over to me today. He seemed very tired this morning, but made a point to look out the window at our yard and comment on how he was going to fix up this and that, etc. He asked me what I was doing later tonight, because we may go to the gym together. He said he’d call after work.
My summary:
1. o.w. is using H’s genuine love for her child as a way to keep him tied to her, even though H. believes their break up is a “mutual decision”.
2. H. has a very, very strong attachment to this child. I do not know how that will be broken.
3. H. is not proud of o.w. or his relationship with her, because he will not introduce her to his family, which is one of many of their problems and why they are not together.
4. Despite continued contact with o.w., H. claims that their R. is over. He referred to it as a “break” and when I said that there is a big difference between taking a break and ending something, he said, “Well, in this case, it’s over.”
I am not getting my hopes up about my situation with H. but of course a part of me really does want his R. with o.w. to be over. If we do spend time together tonight, I won’t ask about any of this but it is very hard not to let it bother me. I am sorry that this little girl got caught up in this whole mess and I do feel badly for her, but it’s wrong what is going on with her. I really wish it would stop.
This keeps getting more and more complicated.
Last edited by hopefloats7; 02/27/0601:17 PM.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I won't go into great detail but it was nice. And for once, I did not hear remarks like, "I feel very uncomfortable here." H. took puppy with him for the night, and said to me, "I'm tired of spending my weekend time with 'other people'. I just want to be alone with my dog."