Ok. Where to start? Well, he called me a few times last night; I didn't pick up. I should have; H. was sick at the hospital and needed me. I didn't find this out until this morning when he called me again. Long story short, he is ok, but I really wish I had picked up.
So we had a lengthy conversation on the phone this morning. I'll skip the small talk issues, because although he was being friendly and pleasant with me, we did actually touch upon the reality of what we're going to do from here. H. is back to saying he does not want to sell the house. He really wants me to stay here and live in it.
He ended up coming by for quite a while today. We went out, did errands, and he took me out to lunch. All the while, very friendly, being funny together, and it was great. I noticed his cell phone was not ringing off his belt like normally. He commented on how I looked; said I looked great and he loved my hair (I had worn it differently today).
We came back to the house and without going into great detail I'll just say that we began talking about his R. with o.w. He was the one who offered up that info. Once he gets talking about this, he goes on and on. I just listened quietly and tried not to ask questions that would seem too invading. He said to me, "That is over. I got rid of that R. I'm not going to be with someone who treats me like sh*t." Well, we got to talking about o.w. and the little girl, and H. told me how sorry he felt for her, how she is innocent in this, o.w. doesn't have a lot of money so the little girl is in need of clothes, toys, etc. and he loves her like she is his own but he is not her father and he can't pretend to be. I can see he clearly felt like at one point he was going to save her. There was a lot more he told me about o.w. and her job, and things that have happened; none of it matters here except to say that I could tell he NEEDED to talk about it, so I listened. If he feels comfortable sharing, then I am all for being there.
He told me that he is not in a R. with anyone right now, and he needs to be alone. [Shocked, when you post, I know you're going to jump on this issue. Seems he's coming out of replay, doesn't it?] He said that when he left here he did need o.w. to get through his problems emotionally and mentally, but it's been 7 mo. now and he doesn't need that anymore. He said it isn't what he wants, that it wasn't going to work out, too many differences, etc. He admitted there was a time when he did believe he would end up with her long term, but he knows that isn't the case now.
He told me that he isn't ready to come back home right now. He went on to explain that he felt we were in a unique position, both young, we don't have kids together yet (yes, he said "yet") so there is no worry that they would be emotionally harmed by us not being together right now. He said that we needed to take a break. I said, "Haven't we been doing that?" He said yes, but he is not ready to come home right now. He kept on wording it that way, adding the "right now" each time. He said he is not looking to live with anyone else or get married to anyone, but he isn't ruling out that he might go out with other women. He wants us to be friends (with potential, which I will explain) and as he said, "Who knows, 6 mo. down the road things could be very different for us."
He remarked on finding someone more like him, who likes the things he likes, etc. I commented that sure, he might find someone who likes to go running but then there would always be something else that he would find a problem with. He said, "Well, then I need to figure that out on my own."
He said that he had too much to lose. That he was not ready to give everything up (he meant our life together, our home, our marriage, etc.). This is why he wants me to stay in the house. He talked to me about how o.w. was of a different culture, and although this was an experience for him, it wasn't what he really wanted.
He said that if he comes back home it will be for good. I asked him, then, what I could be doing to improve the chances that we might work things out. I was too curious not to ask this; I had to hear what he would say. He told me that he hoped I would take care of myself, be healthy, and date other people. I laughed. I said, "You lost me. How is dating other people going to help us?" He explained to me that right now while we're on "a break" it was the perfect opportunity to do this for both of us, and he was afraid if I didn't go out with other people and then he came back, I might end up being the one to leave HIM a few years down the line. He does not want that. He wants to be sure that if he comes back that I am sure I want to be with him. I said nothing in regards to this, because it was a valid point and I wasn't going to throw myself at him, promising him that he was truly the one I wanted, etc. That wouldn't help.
The most important thing he said to me was this: "I have to be happy with myself, being alone, before I can be back in a relationship and be happy with that." I nearly fell off the chair. I smiled at him and told him I was very happy to hear him say this.
He was very affectionate. Very. I won't go into great detail but it was nice. And for once, I did not hear remarks like, "I feel very uncomfortable here." H. took puppy with him for the night, and said to me, "I'm tired of spending my weekend time with 'other people'. I just want to be alone with my dog."
I know I haven't posted every last thing that was spoken between us, but I can say that I do believe his R. with o.w. is definitely on it's way down the drain (it may not be entirely over just yet; he admitted wanting to keep in touch in regards to the little girl for a while). I think H. is thinking more and more about coming back but he recognizes he is not ready yet and made sure that whatever he and I decide to do during this time apart, that it wouldn't be confusing to me or send me the wrong message. I told him that I didn't look at him as my husband anymore; that I looked at him as a man I found interesting, attractive and liked spending time with, and that he would not feel any pressure from me in regards to coming back home.
He told me he would do everything he could financially to help me afford to stay here in the house. If I decide to stay here I will have to figure out a way to be able to contribute more to the mortgage, and that may mean changing jobs. But considering that I was thinking I would be quitting anyway, and leaving here, it really isn't that much of a difference.
I have a lot to consider once again. Spending so much time with H. today and having it be as nice and comfortable as it was really made me want to believe that we can be together again someday. I see that I need to work on taking care of myself, figuring out my own career path and trying to keep things on a friendship level with H. until he feels ready to go further, if that happens.
Not to worry; I really am ok right now, despite all that went on today. He asked me to go to the gym with him this week, if I wanted to, and I said I would like to go. I was glad he asked; if he follows through on it I will be impressed.
Going to enjoy a glass of wine later and give this some thought.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I won't go into great detail but it was nice. And for once, I did not hear remarks like, "I feel very uncomfortable here." H. took puppy with him for the night, and said to me, "I'm tired of spending my weekend time with 'other people'. I just want to be alone with my dog." 
