I wanted to thank everyone for their insight; no hijack apologies necessary.
I'm just such a wreck. I honestly believe that God looks out for me and schedules these worsening moments for me right when I have time off to handle them.
I had a long phone conversation w/H. last night. Basically, he now says that his R. with o.w. is not making him happy. That since circumstances have changed (she's not pregnant), he decided after thinking long and hard, that he does not really want to live with her. And guess what else he said? He is not in love with anybody right now. Not me; not her. He said his R. with o.w. has a lot of problems but they haven't really taken the steps to end it yet. However, he knows it was built on mistrust and it isn't making him happy at all.
Now he wants to find someone new; a fresh start. He told me he wants to find someone that likes all the same things he does; shares all the same hobbies (like biking, running). He wants someone "better for him" as he put it. He told me o.w. isn't really cutting it, either. We did get into a R. about us, about how difficult it is for me, being rejected by him, and of course he kept insisting that it isn't me, it's his problem. He told me there are a lot of good people out there, and it might do me good to meet someone, even "be" with someone else (yes, he meant sleep with someone else).
He told me that he was very uncomfortable in our house; that he did not feel like it was home to him anymore. He wants to take some more of his things over to where he's living (and I believe where he plans to stay for a while). More of "I'm not coming back" although I said nothing to prompt it; I was just letting him talk. We tried to talk about what we would do from here. Mediation was brought up, and I found out H. has seen a lawyer. Of course he failed to tell her that he commited adultery and just made it sound like he moved out several months ago. When talking about the financial aspects of this he got very upset, angry even, and was acting fairly childish. I told him that I understood he is upset with himself for putting me in this position but I did not need for him to be yelling at me right now; what I needed was for us to be friends. Well, that seemed to quiet him down. I think he's worried about protecting himself financially and so he's lashing out in anger at me because of what he's gotten himself into.
Before he left today he had stopped yelling at me to go hire an attorney and instead said that we could try mediation, and that we would need to sit down and talk about what each of us wanted, etc. He wanted to do this tomorrow but I said no; I felt that he was still too angry and we needed a few days. I am also going to visit my family for a little bit, just to get out of here because I need to. So, as he was leaving he said to call him if I needed anything, and that was it.
Of course I've been crying most of the day. I did go out for a little while, but I came home and started going through the attic, trying to figure out how in the heck I am going to keep half the stuff I have up there when I now have to get an apt.
I can't believe this is even happening to my life sometimes. I see that H. is not good for me like this. It's just hard to believe I mean so little to him.
He is angry and mean because he's upset with himself. I do know this. I didn't ask for this to happen and I don't want it to happen, but I won't stop him from proceeding if he really wants to mediate now. He wants to put the house up for sale soon. I can be here through July, and we did agree upon that.
It will be so hard to say goodbye to my life as I know it. I have a lot I have to leave behind and change. It's so much easier for H. because he doesn't have to quit his jobs or move. I have so much to tackle, and all without his help anymore.
Please think of me and if you are the praying type, please keep me in prayer right now. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders tonight. It would help if I didn't love H. anymore, but I do, and that is only making it worse.
Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
