I'll just jump in here, if you don't mind, and echo some of Spitfire's comments, and add a few more. I think you won't necessarily find the solace you're looking for in knowing the details. I know way too much now--things I thought I needed to know, but things that I now wish I'd never known. In my case, knowing the facts hasn't changed anything--it's brought no peace--no closure. The gory details only seem to provide gory interludes of unwanted flashbacks for me. The pertinent facts, that my W has a serious problem, they've helped finally clear my mind.
I've arrived at a place too where I've come to the same realization Spitfire harvested: "The hurt and anguish lifted from me when I realized that I had been living a fantasy and the person I thought I knew didn't really exist. He was a figment of my imagination. I could no longer be hurt by my own fantasy." Hope, in my case, of course, it's a she, but the details remain the same. I've been trying to preserve a R with a person that's a fantasy, not a reality.
Granted, my situation is different from yours, but you've really got to consider just how much good, or how much bad, knowing all that other stuff is going to do you. It truly is different for every person, and it's a thorny path you'll have to walk alone--the decision to know more, that is. See whay your counsellor says.
I really feel for you, and know just what you're going through. I'm so sad this happens to anyone--it's a world of hurt the world can definitely live without, but one that repeats itself every day. However, there's still a world of good out there too, and I'm enjoying more and more of it every day, that genuine goodness, and I'm getting my life back bit by bit as I realize I have to make my own happiess--it doesn't reside in a place, or in another person--no matter how badly we want it to.
I have no idea what your ideal resolution will be Hope, but I wish you luck, and send you hope to help you on your way with this quote: "The world is what you make of it . . . If it doesn't fit, you make alterations." (Borrowed from the movie, Silverado.)
I've made tons of alterations and I'm liking the fit. I sincerely hope you can find a way to alter things in your positive favor.
