I've been following along with your sitch. Like the others, I would like to weigh in on this quote:
I need to get out for a while today. I am so tired of all the drama of this. This is not how I want my life to be. The problem is, I really NEED to know the truth about what has gone on between H. & o.w. I am not saying it would change anything. I just need to know so the thousands of possibilities stop crowding my mind, and I have the ability to know the truth and let it rest. I don't know if that makes any sense, but that is what I need.
Hope, I totally understand why you feel this way. I was driven by the same feeling for so long. I felt that if I could only have all the pieces of this puzzle, that somehow I could be made whole again. After almost three years, I discovered that is not how it would play out for me. Number one, my H's truth and mine are two different things. The inconsistencies in his explanations were huge. He doesn't remember what he has told to whom. You know the old, "What a tangled web we weave..." problem. And more importantly, he chooses to see things in the way that allows him to cope with his life and his choices.
My H left on Sept 2. About 2 weeks after that I was talking with my sister on the phone. She was trying to console me by pointing out all of the cheating that had gone on for so long. She was trying to help me "see the light." I was still very fragile and began to get irritated with her. I told her she didn't have to remind me, that I had lived it. We continued to talk for awhile and then hung up. At that point, I sat down at my kitchen table and I forced myself to review everything I had known about my H since the beginning. I started at age 14 and thought through the entire 34 years of the relationship. It was at that moment that I realized MY TRUTH about what had happened in my life. It was and will always be a defining moment in my life. I'm not sure I can even convey to you how important it was to me. Everything became very clear to me and very calming. The hurt and anguish lifted from me when I realized that I had been living a fantasy and the person I thought I knew didn't really exist. He was a figment of my imagination. I could no longer be hurt by my own fantasy.
I know this probably doesn't make a lot of sense to you. I'd just like to caution you that having your H explain all the details to you may not necessarily set you free. What sets you free is coming to grips with what YOU know to be the truth about your life.
I think of you often. I pray that you find strength in your journey. You already sound so much stronger!
Hugs,
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
