First, today is the first day in a LONG time that I have called H. without a very good reason (or if I was returning a message from him)
Oh, OK! I read "He said that he noticed I'd called a few times and wanted to be sure everything here was ok" and I got the impression that there wasn't any reason he should be expecting your calls.
I've left him alone for months now
No comment!
considering he was saying to me that things with o.w. and him were not going as well, I figured this might be my time to act, so to speak.
Yeah, I can understand that carpe diem syndrome. The thing is, what constitutes the "act" when that window is perceived? I tend to think that whatever constitutes that act, it need be in accordance with the overall sitch. I've read a lot of you writing 'if H would only realize this, then maybe he would do that' type of thinking, so I wonder if that constitutes your 'act'? That's what I don't think would be helpful.
In a way, it's like us being a good detective and dealing with the sitch in accordance with the FBI profile of the subject. Like in my sitch, my ex has shown some signs recently of grass-not-greener-fog-lifting-syndrome, opening up to me some, and I saw that as a window of sorts, but knowing that she hasn't gone the length, I don't see that opening up as anything more than her opening up, and so if there is an opportunity that could lead to a reconciliation there, I still don't see that as a healthy opportunity, but as a danger-danger-run-away warning, lest I get sucked up into another mess. For all I know, she's reaching out to me not out of love, but out of need, or simply following previous patterns of hers. She may be bouncing back and forth in her feelings and who knows what, really.
I think if a person truly wants to return, they will seek to return. It will become obvious, somehow.
I wanted him to agree to come over and talk to me about what we are going to do. I realize we cannot continue to live this way. The problem is, he gets all hyped up about discussing it, even goes so far as to set a day to do it, and then avoids it. When I asked him today when could we talk about things, he said maybe next weekend. Avoiding.
... his actions do speak louder than his words. He SAYS he doesn't want to come back, he wants to talk about what we're going to do (because he's not coming back), and then when I expect this conversation to happen, he bails. So, then, does he REALLY want out of this marriage or not?
I don't think that's the question that arises out of his actions. Apparently, you wish to proceed with your life, he's remaining neutral, noncommittal. He's not willing to take those steps. Could be the comfort zone theory. I think for you to proceed, it's up to you what to do, without regard to considering what he wants to do, since what he wants to do is keep it in limbo, and go ahead and do it.
A lot of men leave their wives and don't behave like H. is behaving.
And then again, a lot of men act like your H.
I have told him we could sit down together; he's told me he doesn't want to get lawyers involved (he means he'd rather mediate than get nasty about it).
Getting lawyers doesn't mean you have to get nasty. I got an attorney, we filed, ex got an attorney just to review the proposed settlement, asked for some innocent changes - neither of us were being pr!cks about this - and it got done. Not saying you should file, just pointing out that it can be done nicely with attorneys. You're the boss, not the attorney.
Does H. even have issues?
Oh yeah, he reeks of commitment-phobia, low self-esteem and MLC, to one degree or another.
Anyway, the real matter at hand is: what shall Hope do?
You don't want to get burned by this guy again. Watch from a distance, see how he goes along his journey. Don't wait on him, it could take years. If and when he figures it all out and is capable of showing that he's put things in their right place, you can decide then what you want to do.
