Pennies in the Fountain of Serenity

[hopefloats7]

H. and I spoke.
The truth is that he is not o.w.'s little girl's father. He is, however, very much a part of her life and she is very attached to him because she does not know her own father. He feels the same about her. o.w. was pregnant but miscarried a while back. Up until that point they were planning to move in together; he didn't really feel comfortable with the sudden commitment he was undertaking but he said given the circumstances, he felt like he needed to go with it. Now that things have changed between them, he is not sure if he still wants to live with her, and he doesn't know what to do about the relationship he has formed with this little girl.
I told H. that I knew deep down inside we both still love each other very much. He did not deny this. I told him that I did not expect him to pretend that all of this did not happen; that it is part of his life and part of mine, and that I still felt we could work through it. He said that he still talks to the little girl on the phone; that they did a lot of things together and he is attached to her, but ultimately he wants his own children and getting involved with women that have kids is very complicated if the relationship doesn't work out.
He said that he agreed to the things that I had been guessing before because he was hoping I would give up and move on; that he felt he could not come back here and be with me and be reminded of what he did. I told him I completely understood why he felt that way. For once he was not saying things like, I don't love you that way, etc. He was making it seem more about his guilt.
I told him that I accept what has happened while we have been separated as a part of both of our lives and that it should not be something that we can't talk about. He said that he can't just stop contact with the little girl because she is innocent in all of this and she doesn't fully understand. I told him that I agreed with this and I wouldn't expect that. But, eventually she needs the truth explained to her so that she realizes he is not really her father. He agreed with me. I don't know where this is leaving us right now. We did not discuss anything about a D. or separation; he had to go and I think he wanted time to think. Since this afternoon he already called me to say hi once, and he said he'd talk to me in a little while.
I don't know why but I actually feel much better. It isn't that I think we can work things out for certain, but I feel that perhaps I have a much better understanding of the truth. It makes sense now, why he would talk to me months ago about her and say very unflattering things, and yet go back to her again.
He is not actually seeing someone else right now, either. Again, he was telling me these things because he said that he hoped I would give up (and make the decision for him).
I hope I have the stamina it might take to endure this for a little while longer. I don't know what he is going to decide to do from here. He said he didn't really think that he wanted to move in with o.w. now that things had changed. I have made it this far. I hope that whatever becomes of this, that I will be ok either way. I still love my H. and I understand that we have both been through a lot. I really tried to be accepting of all of this so that he could see he does not feel that he has to pretend it hasn't happened.