Glad the story helped. Mom did cry, yell, get silent, etc...alternately for a long time. Weeks and then at odd times after that for months more. And she did let Dad see. The nice thing is that they have the kind of R now where not only does it NEVER come up but if a story comes up in the news about an affair or something there is no weird feeling in the room. If Dad makes a negative comment about someone who has had an affair (like when Clinton was in the news so much) she doesn't give him any "look" or anything. I hope Mr. Gel steps up to the plate like my Dad did. My Dad took total responsibility for it. He also told the story and answered any questions my brother and I had - i was in college, my brother was in high school. Ås it happened they were transferred to another state at about that time so continued contact wasn't much of an issue. I will keep praying for the two of you.
I have to admit, I feel for some of the guys that have been coming into my office today here at work. One of them asked me if I was ok and I said "no", not pissy or anything.....he just said "well that's pretty obvious by that look on your face." I guess I kind of accidentally shot lasers through him.
He asked me again what was wrong....and I said "I appreciate you asking, but I really don't want to talk about it." Not opening up that can o worms.
It's great to hear from you. I'm glad you both are getting good help. And keeping the spotlight on Mr. GEL's discomfort is warranted as the human tendency is to avoid pain and try to rug-sweep-under--which I know he isn't apparently. Good.
I did all the wrong things, just so you know. Because I'm a big strong man and I can take care of some girly puny human emotions all on my own thank you very much. Pffft!
Mr. GEL has 3 whole years of your life for which to be held accountible in terms of explaining his behavior, and he'd better stand in front of judge GEL with hat in hand, head bowed. And your MC, your gut, and your noggin' will sort it all out I'm sure.
I just don't understand we humans. Obviously. I don't understand why people just can't use this very simple long-standing rule:
"If this person I love and respect were to treat me the same way I am treating them via my behavior, how would I feel?"
Kinda lets you know what-what not to do, no? Sheesh.
And, yes, offer still stands. If Mr. GEL can't give you the respect you deserve he's going behind the woodshed.
And with at least a few of us. I just have to sit down and figure out who has the more diverse, well-rounded mad skills martial arts disciplines, Cobra or NOP. Sorry, boys, a New York mob thing. a la DeNiro blah blah Goodfellas, "Heyyy, Henry, just bustin' yer ballz. Little bit. Little bit."
-Stigmata-
PS. Glad you're going to church, btw. Even if you don't believe it all, there are good life lessons to learn as well as positive behavioral messages IMO.
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
You know there's a big part of me that really wants to make him think about this stuff...fact is I can't "make" him do anything.....but I can use my tools to get his brain working in ways he didn't expect.
Just today we were talking on the phone about this...and my obvious concerns. I didn't feel over the last couple of days that the "how would you feel if I did this to you" schpeel was really effective. So I put a spin on it today that shut him up and made him go "Oh my God...I didn't think of that." I'll follow up on that later with him after he's had some time to mull it around.
What I said to him was...."What if you had come across my profile offering to meet up with people and viewed naked pictures of me on there while you were cruising the profiles? How would that have made you feel? Would you have thought what I was doing was "innocent"?"
Keep in mind folks...there were no pictures of him online (thank God for small favors on that one.)
I believe that small statment really shot through him....because honestly, it didn't occur to him that "I" would do that. Of course I haven't, but it was an effective statement if I do say so myself.
Lass, Had he been trying to spin this as something fairly innocent? I was under the impression that he was taking full responsibility for it. Or are you saying that he just didn't grasp the impact of it?
I'm glad to hear about the intensive counseling. I wish him the best.
I can fully understand the laser eyes. I think every female on this board had a "I hate men" day, on the day you found out.
No he's not trying to spin this as "innocent"....that was my choice of words....I didn't mean to give that impression. It was more my taking his "that wasn't my intent" comments and spinning it so he would have more of an impact on him with my statement.
He knows what he did wasn't innocent, he knows (and has known) that it was wrong. When I talked to him today...and told him that there's no more going hunting without me anymore, no more trips of any kind whithout me anymore....he was surprisingly fine with that....and my siamese twins comment. I honestly after everything I've been dealing with expected some resistance on that.
One reason I said no more hunting without me is because he hunts in an area where his best friend lives. See one of the women I know he at the very least e-mailed, lived in that same remote area by the lake. She also provided him with her phone numbers (BTW...I called them and spoke with her H too)....although I've found no proof he actually called her or she called him (he would have used his cell phone, and I'm tracking that...he doesn't know that.) I told him that mere fact that she lives there....where he goes hunting with Bill has me freaking out. He wasn't at all defensive about me going with him when he goes hunting, his only comment was made out of almost confusion...."but Bill always goes with me." To which I replied....I'm sure he does, but I've known friends to help friends cheat. When I said that I could tell by his voice I had an affect on him....he respects Bill utterly, he's another father figure to my H, like a grandpa to Ian. His only response was "if Bill knew what I was doing he'd have had nothing to do with it, he'd have told me how wrong I was and have probably beaten the crap out of me." Now is he telling me the truth? Dunno. All I can do is go off the utter sound of shame in his voice....I truly believe, his own best friend didn't know about this.
He know he's going to have to get REAL ok with talking this to death until I'm ok with it. He's going to have to deal with this until I am satisfied.
This thing is far from over and I'm taking it one day at a time....literally.
WOW! I imagine that created quite a stir. That had to be uncomfortable for you GEL.
As far as the whole Bill thing goes, there was a recent survey that some university did (I can't find a link to the article on the web right now, ugh) in which they asked the question "If your best friend were to show up at your door one night and say that they murdered someone and they need your help, what would you do?" A surprisingly large % of people said they would help their friend try to cover it up. Shocking.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Actually the phone call wasn't at all difficult for me. It was much easier than I had imagined it would be. I felt for the H I was talking to naturally, but I felt he had the right to know what the woman in his life was up to as well (if he didn't know, some do). At first he denied that she would do what she was...BUT I had all the info he needed to go find out. I gave him the web address to the free software I downloaded and told him..."if you don't believe me, you can verify it for yourself." This is how I caught my H.
As for the "friend" study, no that wouldn't shock me at all to know that. I know there are many ways I would help my best friend....sometimes you do things too for those you are so close too...you don't think about it, you react.
THAT is exactly why I told my H that "friends help friends cheat" all....the time. Many people aren't able to facilitate these behaviors without some assistance. One of my best friends did this herself...her next door neighbor helped her all the time...and I suppose I did too by not speaking up, I just kept quiet....but knew all the while what she was doing. I guess I felt it was between them...which in hind-sight I know was wrong of me. About the only thing I did do was tell her she couldn't use me as an alibi in any way...I would not aid her in that manner at all.
On the good side...at least I did come home to find no further activity on the computer (Thank God for small favors once again.) This is literally going to be a one day at a time thing. Right now....I'm just feeling proud of myself for making it through the day at work without becoming a total wreck. (patting myself on the back)
I'm not surprised that Bill doesn't know. I think he's done a really good job of covering up the 'thing' in his life that has caused him to derail every R he's been in. Although I am royally pissed off at him, and would gladly take him out to the woodshed except I've never thrown a punch in my life, I actually do feel sorry for him. I think he has a compulsion which has taken over his life and he feels utterly helpless (at this time) to do anything about it.
If the man would risk losing you, I know he's sick in the head, IOW!
I've honestly never thrown a punch at another human being in my life either. A few walls...youbetchya! However, with my H it's not my punch he needs to look out for, it's my left foot....remember I'm still able to kick a soccer ball the length of the field with no problemo! I can probably also remember how to do a round house kick too...but that's not my style.
I'll admit, right now I know the man has MAJOR intimacy issues...and for that I do feel sorry for him. But he's going to have to get over them if he wants to keep what he has now.
One thing I meant to mention earlier. We were talking about why he was on that website....and I flat out asked him. "Do you view me differently than you view those women. Do you think there are women you marry, and women you have sex with?" You know the whole whore/madonna thing. He got kind of quite on me with this and didn't really answer...so there's more to that one. I know our C will be asking him that one. I'll revisit it again when we have more time to talk about it.
I know there's going to be more to come. I'm just hoping that somehow we survive the schrapnel.
