It's been a few days and I just wanted to let everyone know I'm still here, still kicking, and we're still talking....A LOT!
My H is answering questions when I ask them of him and with the exception of a time or two has not taken a defensive posture with me. If he took a defensive tact with me right now, that would definitely not be a good thing....and I'd know for sure he's still hiding stuff from me.
I had a long talk with our therapist last night (my H will be seeing her himself next week, unfortunately that's the quickest that could be arranged.) She had suspected he was hiding something like this from me and said (since she sits across from us obviously) that there were a few times she felt he was on the verge of telling me something....but held back.
So at this point I'm taking things one hour, one day, at a time...because I have to. One minute I'm more angry than I've ever been.....the next I'm in tears. I'm not hiding ANY of this from him either....this is what he's done....seeing my pain is one of the consequences of his actions. I haven't been hiding this from him one bit....but it was nice to have my therapist validate that I shouldn't even attempt to hide it from him....she believes he needs to actually see the damage he's done too. She believes that seeing my pain has more affect on him than most things would. Guys...is that true? She gave me "After the Affair" to read, I'll be starting on it tonight providing my migrane subsides enough to let me read it.
She gave me this book to help validate my stance on what I need to work through this....phone records, credit card records, computer surveillance, oh....and the fact that I told him if we're going to get through this he's going to have to get ok with us being siamese twins for quite some time and that means no more going hunting without me along....for as long as I feel necessary.
Honeypot...I know you're going to ask me "what's he going to do". What he's going to do is anything it takes to put us on the right track. I know that sounds pretty vague...but there's a lot that encompasses that. Really high on that list of things are the things I mentioned that will help give me some peace of mind during this process...you know, monitoring his activity. Another very high on the list thing....is intensive counseling to address why he's been doing this and avoiding me. IOW...."GET OVER IT ALREADY!" Which is what I told him. Of course...addressing my sexual needs is there too. I've explained to him that the only difference between me and the women he's viewing on that website is.....I'm not on there, I want that with HIM. I've also told him I'm DONE supressing the sexual side of my nature from him.....because in the past he would intimate that it was "pressure"....too DAMNED bad, deal with it...it's who I am.
There is much more that I could post, but I honestly don't have the time or the energy at the moment to rehash everything. I will hang around on here a bit today though if anyone has any questions.
I just knew some of my friends would be concerned...so I thought I'd check in.
She had suspected he was hiding something like this from me and said (since she sits across from us obviously) that there were a few times she felt he was on the verge of telling me something....but held back.
Too bad the C never addressed that in a session
Just from what I have heard so far GEL, I would make sure the C is not in over her head with your H. Probably should wait until after his session with her to see what the plan of attack will be.
You are jumping the gun and assuming she didn't try to address this. The fact is you can't force someone to say something they aren't ready to. She did ask him several times, in many ways.
FWIW, I did ask her last night about her experience with this type situation...it is within her realm of expertise. She's dealt with many couples who have cheated/been cheated on....or have had porn addictions. I feel comfortable with her helping us....that's what is most important IMPO.
"She believes that seeing my pain has more affect on him than most things would. Guys...is that true?"
Yes! Assuming he has feelings for you that are strong enough to overcome his personality disorder. One of the most moving things I ever experienced was my W laying on the bed sobbing uncontrollably after being told that she was miscarrying our first child. All she could say for days was "what's wrong with me?" My heart broke. Of course, I am an over-sensitive guy, so my perspective on this may not be the most helpful.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Thanks, I know everyone's pulling for me/us. It's so very easy when you feel protective of someone (even your friends in cyberworld) to miss stuff...or assume too much.
Honestly...I do wish more people could have our MC. At least this time....she gave me a time frame of how long she thinks this process of him making progress on his issue should take....now that we all know more of what his "real" issue is. Sure, there's still more to uncover...I have no doubt this isn't going to be pretty. Who knows...maybe I have heard the worst of it....maybe I haven't.
Right now I have to admit though....I'd sure like one of my friends to take him out behind the woodshed and teach him a lesson. Right now I don't have the energy to do it myself....although the roses are still lying in the yard.
"She gave me "After the Affair" to read, I'll be starting on it tonight providing my migrane subsides enough to let me read it."
You might also try Surviving an Affair, the one that NOPkins suggested for me. It is by Harley, the same guy who does His Needs, Her Needs. HN/HN has some stuff on affairs too, but it doesn't really apply to your situation. Maybe NOPkins can chime in on whether SAA would be appropriate for GEL's situation.
Still wishing you well. Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I am so happy that you checked in . In the FWIW category - my Dad had an affair (typical mid life crisis) and my parents recovered from it and are actually the better for it. It not only opened up closed lines of communication but a kind of respect of my Dad for my Mom that had not been there. Also, my Mom would say that she learned not to take my Dad for granted. Mind you, my parents always had an active sex life and my Mom said the only time it ever decreased was the couple of months my Dad was having this affair. I don't know what he was looking for, escape maybe? but my point is that they survived.
Mom and Dad were siamese twins for a while and even after Mom got comfortable with some separateness Dad followed her around like a lost puppy. I would say that the entire healing process took about two years. I didn't live with them during that time - I was in college.
Gel, healing is possible. My answer is not "Oh just jump Mr. Gel." I just want to make sure that you settle for nothing less than the marriage of your dreams. Mr. Gel owes it to you.
Thanks, that does help to hear. I do know people survive this...and I have actually joined another BB where that's what they concentrate on at survivinginfidelity.com it was started by someone else inspired by this site.
My C was encouraging that we could get through this too. Of course she said that's providing he's willing to be completely open with me...and of course her in private....AND that he's willing to do whatever it takes for me to feel "safe" again in this R...i.e. being siamese twins.
Her impression right now is that he is very likely to move forward from here and do what it takes....but only time will really tell on this.
So...as I've told him right now I'm taking it one minute, one hour, one day....at a time. Each time I think about what he's done I have to make a concious decision to keep trying.
GEL
Oh & PS....one thing he hasn't done while we've been together is go to church. He used to go to church every Sunday when we were dating.....as many of you know, I'm not a churchgoer. I suggested this morning that we start attending.
