I think you are squarely in control of this situation and how it affects both you and Ian and I am pulling for all of you--including your H. You know this man better than anyone and it doesn't mattter one wit what I, nor anyone else, think--being so far outside of your householdd. And I know no one here would try and tell you what you should do. All just purely objective (if not often hard) observations about the facts at hand. Along with a deep caring for you as an "almost real" person, with the moniker GEL.
I think stepping away to clear your head is wise. This BB is more for rebuilding/maintaining/improving and you are a long way from there at this point.
I really truly empathize too. i know exactly what you are feeling. The big reason why I regretted not stepping away from my R physically was due to exactly what you just said. Every time her cell phone rang...her text message beeped my heart seized. I was afraid to leave her alone for a minute; wanted to rip the phones out of the wall, monitor her cell etc. etc. aThen when she had a sales trip to the same city as where OM lives, alone, for a few days it got to the point where I was, indeed, in real danger of becoming a full blown insane paranoiac. But I held back from doing all you are doing with monitoring. I said to myself, no, if I'm going to say I forgive her and tell her I trust her to tell me the truth about staying away from OM, I have to stand by my word or else my distrust and paranoia will destroy any chances to rebuild what we once had.
So I think getting to the bottom of this via monitoring, even if it means tailing him with a PI over the next however much time, is warranted only as if it will make you feel less freaked out paranoid--as how I felt by choosing to not do any of these things. This is your peace of mind we're talking about here and no cost can be given for that.
Yes, it is obvious you do love yourself first...and Ian and that's fantastic...as this love combined with your strong intuition is already 90 percent of the resources you need to sort this all out.
Just, speaking from experience here, please also monitor yourself and if this feeling of not wanting to leave your H out of your sight does not subside...please please step away from the situation temporarily as it is very true what they say about distancing yourself from a 24/7 situation; it allows for a real unadulterated perspective. Especially when surging emotions are involved.
Pray. Or meditate. Not sure of your beliefs. There is a good saying I like to remember that will give you strength in any situation:
"lord. Help me to remember there is nothing that can happen to me today that You and i together cannot handle."
And no need to explain giving second chances. The last thing any of us would want to do to someone with a real problem over which they feel no control is leave them on the side of the road and drive away. it just again shows what kind of person you are. Only you know what your tolerance level will be.
Hang in there, GEL, this too shall pass eventually. Step away to clear your mind but please consider occasionally just popping in here to post a line or 2 to say how Ian and yourself are doing.
Big Ole Bear hug
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
