I am taking a break from this website for awhile. I do appreciate everyone's feedback. Right now though I'm in emotional overload....and "I" have to figure out what's best for me and my S.
This would be much easier if I did't LOVE my H but I do, and THAT is why I've already stated this is his LAST opportunity to step up and work with me. Many of you may not agree with this...you don't have to; it's what I have to do to feel I've done everything I can. I have to follow my instincts. My instincts right now (which rarely lead me astray) are telling me....not to give in, not right now.
Guys I'm already aware he's never been honest with me, that's glaringly obvious...I'd have to be a fool not to see that. When I say he's blown the trust...I mean my trust, in him. If somehow that trust cannot be eventually regained then this M cannot be saved, and I will be the 1st to admit that.
I also know that people who go to a website like adultfriendfinder.....have problems, BIG freakin issues. Issues "I" cannot solve, he has to. Issues that will take intense one on one counseling. I also don't buy what he says his "intentions" were regarding that website....don't buy it for a minute guys.
Everyone....my eyes are wide open here. Right now I am taking things one day at a time on how "I" feel....I'm listening to my instincts, not listening to those in the past has been to my detriment.
I am not even going to try to attempt to keep this M together for my S. I feel like there are those of you out there (those who say "You have to love yourself first") who don't see my drawing a boundary as doing just that. I'm not playing here guys....if I find out ONE more lie....he is GONE....he will come home and find his bags packed...because I'm not going to go anywhere....he is. I love myself too much to allow him to continue to treat me and our M in this manner.
I am continuing to track his computer activity, I am tracking his cell phone activity, I am tracking credit card activity (which he doesn't know), I am tracking bank account activity. I feel like a heel doing this, but I'm doing it for my own sanity right now.....sounds crazy I know, but right now these things coming up clear day by day are going to be the only way he can begin to rebuild trust in me.....and that's going to take A LONG TIME.
I told him this morning on my way out the door that I'm scared to death to leave him alone anymore because I don't trust him....no matter how hard I try to occupy my mind it still wonders what he's up to. I was scared to leave the house for 30 minutes yesterday to run to the store because I was afraid to leave the man alone....and that is ludicrous.
Now...THAT'S STUPID! I know that, I cannot control what he does/doesn't do....but I also know that if this feeling of anxiety doesn't ebb away and I continue to feel this way then my instincts are telling me something I need to listen to. Right now I'm really, really hurting....and it's not the time for me to do something rash.
I'm not condoning one damned thing he did, I'm not buying his excuses either. All I know right now is that I've talked with him face to face....something you guys haven't done. I know when he's showing remorse for his actions and when he's saying things to smooth the situation over.
I have to listen to my gut guys. I haven't listened to my instincts in the past and I've paid for it.
