Feeling crushed and alone....

[Stigmata]

I did not think your words harsh, but passionate driven by the pain you fear for GEL, and compassionate because you want to do all you can to help and you know how hard it is to "get it" and this early stage in the realization of what has been going on.

Keep taking care of yourself,
Oldtimer

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-- Old Timer. I am sorry you had to endure the pain from someone who refuses to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions...and have enough willpower and respect for themselves and others to break an damaging addiction.

Thank you sincerely for understanding what I was trying to do; ie, help GEL tackle this problem without getting blindsided. and for your well wishes.

I am back posting this because I really feel remorse for being so blunt. My laser sight is squarely focused on GEL's H for disrespecting such an obviously fantastic, caring, loving, and responsible lady. He is my target. He has had more than enough chances. He is the one who damned well better be doing backflips to change his ways/come correct. An M can't be sustained on habitual lies. She should be doing nothing more from this point forward IMO...except focus solely on herself, Ian, and her own happiness. Now he can bust his azz to try and save his M; she deserves an R vacation for a while.

Personally, I utterly envy the Ms out there whose Fs are like GEL, Karen, Corri, HP, LFL, landica, hap, chrissy...I know I'm forgetting someone here but you too; all the Fs here who tried/are trying to work things out on this site as will as in C, IC, MC. Lucky M ba$tards.

I am here alone on this forum. Adrift in a tiny dinghy in the middle of the R Pacific...with no land or ship in sight. Not a hint of R discussion, therapy...nothing. Baking in the sun. No water or food. Starving and dying of thirst. Cracked lips and leathered skin. I guess 7 years of my life and unshakeable fidelity, love, and commitment isn't worth very much after all.

GEL, if you are reading this, I hope you understand that your role in trying to "fix" your R is on permanent hiatus. I was harsh on your H, yes, but he deserves more than my harsh words IMO. This is not to say he is not a great person in his own right. If he were not, you wouldn't have tried so darn hard to get your R on the right track. He needs help. He needs to unload everything and leave it up to you whether you think this is all worth it or not. He has to take that chance. Harley-type radical honesty has saved many an seemingly hopeless M/R.

Why? Because it takes ballz. And confessing all of your sins--fully knowing it could be the end of your R with the person you love--builds immense respect in that person for your guts to be willing to lose everything via your confessions. That's being a real man.

But he has to step up to the plate and prove his worth as an H, a man, and an human being. You had a meltdown a few weeks ago and now this is an even bigger one. He needs to recognize his immature, selfish, irresponsible actions are dismantling your well-being. He needs to be a real man and do ALL the work from this point forward. Not remorseful 11th-hour "I can change," "what if we did x-y-z?" solutions for being caught red-handed again. You're done trying. You have already given the mother of all efforts.

Don't tear yourself apart over this. Pray about it, if you believe in a higher power. Ask for your higher power to protect you, Ian, and help show you the way to the right resolution. Put all of this crap on his shoulders and earnestly ask for his help. Believe me, when you decide to put all of your problems in the hands of your God to deal with...it's like a load being lifted. And things start to work themselves out, they really do. Even The Bible says worry is sin. Why? Because it is nonproductive. It does nothing but cause ulcers out of nothingness. Nothing gets fixed via incessant worry.

I just wanted you to prepare yourself and give yourself strength. We all need to do this for every worrisome situation. Love. Financial. Health. Etc.

"What is the worst possible outcome I can expect from this investment?"

"What is the worst possible outcome I could discover via my SO's dishonesty?"

"What would be the worst possible outcome from my CAT scan after all the other tests indicate a slight chance of an unusual growth in my brain?"

Once you deal with this square on. Face it. Look at it. Acknowledge it without all of the amped-out emotions...then you can rationalize what your response would be...without experiencing the massive pain and sudden shock of the thing as it occurs in real time as the potential results blindside you.

Worst Case Scenario. Once you understand that, hell yes, you will survive the worst case scenario via planned course of action, then anything less than worst case is soooo much easier to deal with. You're working backwards from total disaster and you are damned well not gonna be surprised/caught offguard anymore. And have a game plan for any situation that may result.

So step back GEL. Take a time out to look at the thing that would scare you most and let your H do all the yeoman's work to prove he is worthy to be your man and a role model for little Ian. No more solutions from you. No more "fixing." He has a lot of work to do IMO so he'd better roll up his sleeves.

But he HAS to be punished. There HAVE to be consequences or he will think he can walk all over you if he Fs up again. It's like he's now wincing, waiting for the big painful blow to come (which is you and Ian leaving or him being forced to leave for an uncertain period of time IMO). And if the blow is a lot less than he expected? Ie, a day or 2 of yelling followed by "lists" of fix-its, then he's gonna open one of his squinting eyes...look around, and say to himself...hmmm, hey, that wasn't so bad. Whew. Dodged another bullet. Mental note to self in case I really F up again. Lucky me.

Like you said, square one. He needs to woo you again and seek help or he will just drag you and Ian downn into his world of deceit, lies, noncommunication, and conflict avoidances.

I'm pullin' for you GEL. It's not hopeless at this point. But you deserve better treatment or that man is going to lose the best thing that ever happened to him.

-Stigmata-