I thought about you last night. I wanted to respond to you, but didn’t know what to say. I have been thinking about you today, and I think I fall on the side of the hardliners.
What your H has done is unspeakable. My gut says that this is not it, there is more. All those night shifts and days without you around – he certainly had the opportunity. I want to believe him that it never went further, but I can’t.
His behavior is compulsive, and I believe he has gone to great lengths to hide it. You said that you have looked at his internet history and found nothing before. Clearly, he is an expert at hiding his tracks.
There are two things that scare me about your situation. I agree with everyone that your strengths (your positivity, your patience, your empathy) are your weaknesses here. Your H seems to be aware of this, and has been stringing you along. How long have you guys been in MC? 2 F’ing years? WHAT the F?
The second thing – and this is what is really frightening to me - is that he is on his fourth marriage. THREE women before you (whatever their culpabilities) left because he was not willing to endure the pain of changing or growing.
GEL, I understand that you are not at the point where you are willing to end it. I agree with Stigmata that unless you get yourself to that point, he will continue to placate you just enough to keep you around, and he will continue to do what he is doing.
I think now is not the time to talk or discuss or negotiate or strategize with him. First, you need complete disclosure. Hire a professional if you have to, but find out everything. Take your time. Take care of yourself. If you must, kick him out for a week or a month. Let him stew. Try to centre yourself, learn as much as you can and figure out where you want to go. I am not saying that you should end it now, but I am saying that you should call a timeout and get your bearings.
Just my thoughts and I say them with a heavy heart and with concern for you. Stay strong, A. (((Hugs)))
