Actually I repeated to him several times...."I don't deserve this." I know it's not me guys, I know this problem lays within him.....and as I told him last night "I deserve to be treated much better than you've been treating me."
I remember saying something about "you know when I look in the mirror I see an attractive woman. Yes, I have a few extra pounds on me....but I'm an attractive woman! I'm intelligent, I have a great sense of humor, I can be sexual in a way many men dream of...in short...I'm a great catch. But I'd be stupid to continue to put up with this...and I'm not stupid." To that he said "It's not you."....and well I couldn't help myself, I said damned right it's not me.
I can't explain this well, and I know many of you may not get this.....but I view this as a beginning. I'm hurting like hell right now, and I'm not going to be over that for quite some time.....my trust is shot and all I want to do is push him away (well, ok I really want to push him off a cliff right now)....but sometimes you simply have to deconstruct the R in order to build it back in a sound manner.
Last night I learned he's NEVER been honest with me about our sexual issues, he's NEVER given us a chance to fix it....not as long as he was doing what he was. We have to start back at square one where this portion of our R is concerned.
I am willing to do that.....but only as long as my conditions are met. Yes, that's selfish....yes, I hold the control in that.....but right now, I have to. If he cannot meet my conditions to continue working on our M....then it will end. I will move on.....and he definitely believes me after last night.
So....now I am definitely at the point where if he crosses this boundary, I will enforce the consequences. Not I feel like I can enforce them.....I will.
