That is pretty much my outlook on this. Don't get me wrong, I'm hurt, I'm ANGRY....I'm fed up. But I really don't believe we had/have any hope of getting to where we have a healthy R until there are no secrets.
I can't explain to you why exactly that I believe he hasn't met up with any of these women....but this time like I said, my instincts tell me he's on the up and up about that. I don't believe that's denial speaking either. I truly believe he was working on a "fantasy".
Last night when he was talking I asked him why, why in the entire time we've been married that I've been telling him what I need, that he's found it necessary to go online and deny me what I'm asking for. He told me he was afraid. That could be an entire bunch of BS, it could be the truth...jury is out on this.
I did tell him though that he has NEVER given me the chance to prove to him I am who I say I am....that I am the woman I keep telling him I am. I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt time and time again....yet he's NEVER afforded me the same opportunity.
I told him at one point when he said he didn't want me to leave and didn't want to lose what he has here with me that he may not "want" to lose it but he is doing absolutely everything he can to make sure he does lose it.....HE is sabotaging the best thing he's ever had.
Of course there are many things he said last night that I feel he said merely to placate me....and I told him so. I told him I'm flat-out not buying anything right now that he says as "the truth"....he's shot that credibility with me.
There were also many times when he tried to assure me that he had no intention of "cheating" and no intention of meeting anyone that it was nothing but chatting. My response each and everytime was......your "intention" is irrelevant. I view what you did as cheating. You were not focusing that sexual energy on me and our M, that to me...is cheating. He told me he could see how I might see it that way....to which it's not that I "might" see it that way....I "DO" see it that way.
I also flat-out asked him "do you want me to go have sex with someone else? Is that what you want me to do...but you are afraid to ask me to?" He flat out said No that's not what I want...that would kill me. I responded "Oh, you don't want me to do that, but you also don't want to meet my needs in that manner.....and you are having your needs met elsewhere. What did/do you expect me to do then? His response was "I'm putting you in an impossible situation aren't I? I said "no not really an impossible situation....I can end this.....or you can do the work it takes to fix it."
For those of you who are thinking I should have sent him to the curb last night...as I've stated, this is his LAST opportunity.
Last night while I was showing him what I had printed off out of his account....I'd show him a woman he'd contacted and tell him each time...."this woman is no different sexually than I am, she's asking for the same things I am.....yet you'll talk to her....not me....that ends now."
By the end of several hours...and sorry guys I simply cannot tell you everything that was said between the two of us, there was too much for me to remember. I drew the line that the accounts were to be closed (yahoo e-mail and adultfriendfinder...he used to tell me he'd get e-mails through yahoo and that's what I'd catch him looking at.)....and that I would be monitoring all of his internet activity for as long as I feel necessary.
I also remember telling him that I had downloaded this free keystrok tracker program....because I kept having this nagging feeling that he wasn't telling me the truth. I had honestly downloaded the program because I was wanting to prove myself wrong...and set my mind at ease. I had no idea that within 12 hours of downloading this program that my instincts would be proven right.
By the end of our discussion last night after I was talked out and I know he was too....we had decided to come up with a plan of attack on how to approach this now. I've told him that any sexual effort not directed at me and working on our M is unacceptable.
He agreed....I'm going to leave it at that.
HE'S GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE DONE.
I will tell you though that I've never seen panic, fear, or genuine remorse out of him like I did last night. The sad thing is those things didn't affect me last night at all.
