What he has done is infidelity. I am glad that you are confronting him immediately with the evidence.
It seems to me that his activities are all about the emotional rush from multiple potential mates - all about him.
I hope that he hasn't acted physically on any of his impulses. I hope that he hasn't actually formed an emotional bond with any of these women. It will be a lot less messy to clean up that way.
You know what to do but that doesn't make it any easier. Since he will be willing to agree to just about anything right now, make his accountability your number one goal for the time being.
God bless, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I thought of you all night last night. I wondered how you were. I wondered what possible reasoning/excuse Mr. Gel offered. I wished that the ladies on this board lived near you to take your son, take you shopping, hug you while you vented. Do you have a best friend that lives near you? Siblings?
Right now I don't really care what Mr. Gel is doing I am concerned with whether you are taking care of yourself. Please don't allow this situation to color your view of your own value. You did nothing to deserve this. Mr. Gel seems to have serious communication issues - he can't seem to deal with a real flesh and blood woman. He has a great deal to answer for and he can start by being responsible for his behaviors - both on the computer and in real life.
GEl, I am so sorry for your pain. I admire the way you listened to that inner voice of yours and checked up on the computer. The road you are on is not easy but you have the strength and ability to work through this situation, move forward and heal. The optimist in me is hoping for a postitive outcome...increased intimacy with your H based on honesty and openness, and the chance to keep your beautiful family intact.
Now is the time for boundary setting. Remember his words are just words...he must follow through with actions. The " lovingly detach" idea is a good ideal, but you are going to have a lot of anger at the breach of trust and H has to be able to handle it.
I think you both could use individual counseling. You can decide to not make any decisions as you assess how you are feeling. I hope and pray for your happiness...you are such a fine person.
I figured some of you would be concerned...here's an update.
BF - I do hear you. But I am going to say this...."I" am not ready to make the move you suggest. I understand why you suggest it, but I'm not at the place I need to be to make that move.
With that said. I drew a line last night....a very firm line. He crosses it....we're flat-out done (and yes I mean it). Why did I give him one last chance? Because I do love him.
When he arrived home last night I had already practiced the rose shotput in the yard with my valentine's day flowers (Honeypot I think I could give you a run for your money on that one.) I had called him and confronted him one more time on something else I had found .... yes, he was asking for women to meet for drinks/coffee in most of the contacts he'd had. When I saw that I called him and told him what I'd found. Naturally...he swore he hadn't met up with any of them. My instincts (not my heart) are telling me he hasn't met them.....this is fantasy. IF I find out I'm wrong...we're done.
However with that said. By the time he got home (after I had already told him I wasn't sure I'd be there...and he freaked) I had calmed down enough to talk to him. I didn't shout, didn't raise my voice, didn't cry.....but had pages upon pages from his adultfriendfinder account printed out so #1 he couldn't deny things I was saying, and #2 help me remember specific things I needed to say.
Now, whether or not he actually intended to meet up with anyone is irrelevant to me. He swears he hasn't, he swears he didn't intend to but I told him the mere fact that he wrote that he'd like to leaves the person he's contacting with the impression he wants to....I don't care if it was just fantasy in his head. In my view (and I told him this) you are cheating on me, I may as well have walked in on you sleeping with someone.
He tried in some ways to say "but I didn't cheat, I didn't meet any of them." Each time I'd say that's irrelevant to me....you left THEM with the impression you wanted to, you leave ME with the impression you wanted to.
I told him what he's been doing to me (lying, not meeting my needs) has affected me mentally so traumatically that it's abusive and I'd be an absolute idiot to let him do this to me anymore. If I find out one more time (and I will find out I told him) he's gone. Not I'm gone, he's gone. He looked at me when I said that, so I told him....."I've bent over backwards, I've done nothing wrong here, this is our son's home.....YOU will be gone."
I told him the trust I had towards him is completely gone, he threw it away. I had given him multiple opportunities to come clean, he didn't take one of them. I explained that one of the things that cut through me is that in all the time we've been seeing a MC he's been on this website....so he's NEVER been really trying to fix anything with us. As long as he continued to go there for that "sexual fix" he was avoiding me.
He did do quite a bit of talking himself....I'll write more on that later.
Right now though...he's shut down his account on the website, as well as his yahoo account (with me watching)....and he knows I'll be watching his activities on the computer.
You are doing great. Hang on to who you are and what you want in this M or in any M. Mr. Gel did a terrible thing to you AND he cheated himself too. Maybe it will take this for him to finally get it. You, your DS and your H are in my prayers.
I have seen relationships heal from infidelity but it is a hard road. We will understand if there is stuff you simply don't want to share but we are here for what you do. I'm glad Mr. Gel opened up to whatever degree he did - he needs to talk to you until he is blue in the face, talk until everything is out on the table. And he needs to hear you do the same. Empty promises and apolgies just aren't going to be enough. I think you are very aware of what you need. Insist upon it or make a life for you and your son without your H.
The flower shotput seems to be an Olympic event on this board lately. Sometimes I think that a dramatic manuever of this variety would help my H finally get it. Sometimes I think he never will. Gel, you have a unique opportunity here. If you hadn't found this out you could have gone on spinning your wheels indefinately. At least that part is done.
I'd just like to say kudos to you, I think you handled yourself very well. You've got some hard boundaries out there, and that is the only way your M has a chance. Karen is right, now you know it wasn't you. There wasn't something wrong with you or something you were doing that was preventing your H from connecting with you physically. The problem lies with him. Knowing the problem is the first step to fixing it. Just remember though that unless he decides in his heart to fix it, it won't get fixed. And sometimes we all need a push to change ourselves. Maybe this event will have a hidden blessing, as crazy as that sounds. It will finally be the catalyst to make him change himself, into a better husband, into the kind of husband you deserve to have.
Best wishes, stay strong. You deserve to be treated well, remember that.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
That is pretty much my outlook on this. Don't get me wrong, I'm hurt, I'm ANGRY....I'm fed up. But I really don't believe we had/have any hope of getting to where we have a healthy R until there are no secrets.
I can't explain to you why exactly that I believe he hasn't met up with any of these women....but this time like I said, my instincts tell me he's on the up and up about that. I don't believe that's denial speaking either. I truly believe he was working on a "fantasy".
Last night when he was talking I asked him why, why in the entire time we've been married that I've been telling him what I need, that he's found it necessary to go online and deny me what I'm asking for. He told me he was afraid. That could be an entire bunch of BS, it could be the truth...jury is out on this.
I did tell him though that he has NEVER given me the chance to prove to him I am who I say I am....that I am the woman I keep telling him I am. I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt time and time again....yet he's NEVER afforded me the same opportunity.
I told him at one point when he said he didn't want me to leave and didn't want to lose what he has here with me that he may not "want" to lose it but he is doing absolutely everything he can to make sure he does lose it.....HE is sabotaging the best thing he's ever had.
Of course there are many things he said last night that I feel he said merely to placate me....and I told him so. I told him I'm flat-out not buying anything right now that he says as "the truth"....he's shot that credibility with me.
There were also many times when he tried to assure me that he had no intention of "cheating" and no intention of meeting anyone that it was nothing but chatting. My response each and everytime was......your "intention" is irrelevant. I view what you did as cheating. You were not focusing that sexual energy on me and our M, that to me...is cheating. He told me he could see how I might see it that way....to which it's not that I "might" see it that way....I "DO" see it that way.
I also flat-out asked him "do you want me to go have sex with someone else? Is that what you want me to do...but you are afraid to ask me to?" He flat out said No that's not what I want...that would kill me. I responded "Oh, you don't want me to do that, but you also don't want to meet my needs in that manner.....and you are having your needs met elsewhere. What did/do you expect me to do then? His response was "I'm putting you in an impossible situation aren't I? I said "no not really an impossible situation....I can end this.....or you can do the work it takes to fix it."
For those of you who are thinking I should have sent him to the curb last night...as I've stated, this is his LAST opportunity.
Last night while I was showing him what I had printed off out of his account....I'd show him a woman he'd contacted and tell him each time...."this woman is no different sexually than I am, she's asking for the same things I am.....yet you'll talk to her....not me....that ends now."
By the end of several hours...and sorry guys I simply cannot tell you everything that was said between the two of us, there was too much for me to remember. I drew the line that the accounts were to be closed (yahoo e-mail and adultfriendfinder...he used to tell me he'd get e-mails through yahoo and that's what I'd catch him looking at.)....and that I would be monitoring all of his internet activity for as long as I feel necessary.
I also remember telling him that I had downloaded this free keystrok tracker program....because I kept having this nagging feeling that he wasn't telling me the truth. I had honestly downloaded the program because I was wanting to prove myself wrong...and set my mind at ease. I had no idea that within 12 hours of downloading this program that my instincts would be proven right.
By the end of our discussion last night after I was talked out and I know he was too....we had decided to come up with a plan of attack on how to approach this now. I've told him that any sexual effort not directed at me and working on our M is unacceptable.
He agreed....I'm going to leave it at that.
HE'S GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE DONE.
I will tell you though that I've never seen panic, fear, or genuine remorse out of him like I did last night. The sad thing is those things didn't affect me last night at all.
Actually I repeated to him several times...."I don't deserve this." I know it's not me guys, I know this problem lays within him.....and as I told him last night "I deserve to be treated much better than you've been treating me."
I remember saying something about "you know when I look in the mirror I see an attractive woman. Yes, I have a few extra pounds on me....but I'm an attractive woman! I'm intelligent, I have a great sense of humor, I can be sexual in a way many men dream of...in short...I'm a great catch. But I'd be stupid to continue to put up with this...and I'm not stupid." To that he said "It's not you."....and well I couldn't help myself, I said damned right it's not me.
I can't explain this well, and I know many of you may not get this.....but I view this as a beginning. I'm hurting like hell right now, and I'm not going to be over that for quite some time.....my trust is shot and all I want to do is push him away (well, ok I really want to push him off a cliff right now)....but sometimes you simply have to deconstruct the R in order to build it back in a sound manner.
Last night I learned he's NEVER been honest with me about our sexual issues, he's NEVER given us a chance to fix it....not as long as he was doing what he was. We have to start back at square one where this portion of our R is concerned.
I am willing to do that.....but only as long as my conditions are met. Yes, that's selfish....yes, I hold the control in that.....but right now, I have to. If he cannot meet my conditions to continue working on our M....then it will end. I will move on.....and he definitely believes me after last night.
So....now I am definitely at the point where if he crosses this boundary, I will enforce the consequences. Not I feel like I can enforce them.....I will.
"you know when I look in the mirror I see an attractive woman . Yes, I have a few extra pounds on me....but I'm an attractive woman! I'm intelligent , I have a great sense of humor , I can be sexual in a way many men dream of ...in short...I'm a great catch . But I'd be stupid to continue to put up with this...and I'm not stupid"
An affirmation-laden tirade if I've ever seen one. AWESOME! That is exactly what he needs to hear. That is exactly what YOU need to hear. You deserve a great marriage and a great partner. Maybe it will be your H. I think it definitely can happen, and I applaud you going the extra mile to try to make it happen, to give him another chance to better himself. That's exactly what he would be doing if he does all the hard work to stay with you, bettering HIMSELF.
"I am willing to do that.....but only as long as my conditions are met. Yes, that's selfish"
No, its not. You didn't say if you don't meet my needs I am going to physically harm you. You set a boundary, "I cannot stay in a relationship with a man who acts in this way." That is not selfish, that is in fact very loving.
I am amazed at your strength. Keep your chin up. Best wishes.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Lass, What did HE say about how he intends to fix this?
I know that he loves you.
But I suspect that he also loved the other women in his life and he let every one of them go because he couldn't come clean and interact normally. It seems impossible that he'd lose you over this, but his history indicates that he has done just that in the past.
I would ask him what his plans are for once-and-for-all overcoming his difficulties. He needs therapy, bad, but I think that the idea must come from him or else is it more of the same that he's done for years--say what I need to say to placate her but I know that I don't have the strength to actually STOP this stuff....
I wish him strength, and of course I wish all the love and hugs and comfort to you and Ian that I can imagine.
